I Belong With You, You Belong With Me (You're My Sweetheart)
by unoriginalrhombus
Summary: "The crazy thing is though, is that she thought something like this would crush her. And it does, for a while. But Rachel still wakes up every morning and goes to sleep every night, and sometimes if she's lucky, she gets lost in pretending like nothing has changed." (AU. Rachel-centric. If she'd married Finn/what would happen. How-in my head-she'd end up w/Quinn. Will be 3 chap.)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **_Hi Guys! So here's this thing, haha. I wrote it because I seem to like AU stories, they just appear in my head like wildfire. I wanted to say that I appreciate and love every single one of you who take the time to read/review/follow/favorite any of my stories. This is unbeta'd and it's the first chapter out of three. I hope you enjoy it, please read and review to let me know what you think!_

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing! I do not own Glee or the characters involved, they are property of Ryan Murphy and Fox.

* * *

**I Belong With You, You Belong With Me (You're My Sweetheart)**

**(Part One)**

Rachel Berry was quite literally living the dream.

Well, maybe not _the dream_, but it was still something worth living.

She was living in NYC, attending NYADA, and married to her highschool sweetheart. Sure, they lived in a shoebox of an apartment and yeah, it did suck that they spent more time apart than they did together. But Rachel refused to rate her life based on her current circumstances alone. All that mattered was the fact that they were still together. No matter how hard the days were, nothing was better than lying next to Finn at night and realizing that they were both going somewhere. More importantly though, that they were going there together.

Sure, it was exhausting, but achieving your dream usually is.

* * *

Things are hard, even with the money that Rachel's fathers constantly sends them. Rachel pinches and bargains and eats Easy Mac a lot more than she'd like to just so they can skate by, and somehow they still barely manage. It's overwhelming because she had always known that New York would be expensive, but it seemed like the expenses had tripled now that there was another mouth to feed.

It takes three weeks for Rachel and Finn to stop eating out, six weeks for them to start using candles instead of heat, and eight weeks (overall) for Rachel's "first year of college fund" to completely dry out. Her fathers are outraged, and Rachel honestly agrees that they should be. They had never signed up for 'Rachel and Finn', they had only ever intended for there to be Rachel, and it must have been tiring to see her share so many things they wanted for her...with him.

Kurt offers to help, to move in and save them money, but Rachel and Finn are both too proud to allow it. They're both determined to make this-everything, work on their own.

Marriage is...something else entirely. They spend too much time trying to figure out how they should be and very little time on how they actually are. Rachel doesn't enjoy doing Finn's laundry and he doesn't like sitting through any of Rachel's (many) Barbra movies.

They do it though, without much complaint, because that's what marriage is. That's what you do when you love somebody.

* * *

Finn gets two jobs a few weeks before Rachel's first official day at NYADA.

Both jobs suck and Rachel can immediately tell that he's unhappy. She has half a mind to tell him to quit, to convince Finn that he didn't have to try so hard to impress her. She wants to tell him that their marriage was one that was equal and that meant that she didn't need him to take care of her. She wants to tell him to go after his dreams. She wants to be the Rachel who didn't push people unless she meant well.

She wants to do those things, but she can't stop looking at the growing pile of bills on the thing they pretend is a dinner table. So, she says nothing. Rachel let's Finn continue working at the corner store/warehouse because she's starting to realize that something is always better than nothing in New York, and it doesn't matter how you got that something. It just matters that it's there.

Rachel gets a part-time job at a bakery shortly after. It isn't the "don't do this" that she's wanted to say to Finn. Instead it's a "I can do this, too", and she hopes that Finn understands that Rachel isn't just referring to making money.

* * *

Their schedule is insane. Most days have Rachel and Finn waking up at five am and turning in at almost eleven pm. It's hard work, they would both willingly admit that, and it was finally starting to seem a little more worth it. Finn was excelling at his warehouse job in so many ways that they offered him a full time position. It was hard labor, but it meant that Finn could finally quit Walgreens and still make more money than he had before.

Rachel was doing well, too. She's finally getting the hang of her dance classes and she's more than excelling in her singing workshops. Her co-workers love her and she often got keep the food that right sell. The "mistakes" her co-workers called them. The "rejects" her work labeled them.

It's funny, Rachel often thinks, to be food. Because even if someone calls a food a reject or a mistake...someone, somewhere, would still be willing to have it. That's a much better situation than a lot of people have it.

It must be nice, Rachel thinks to herself as she watches Finn scarf down half of the donuts she brought home, to always be _wanted_.

* * *

It takes awhile for their routine to set in.

But when they hit their stride (and boy do they do that), it's almost like magic. At their best they're this communicating entity. The bills are paid ahead of time, Rachel gets a lead in the Thanksgiving and Christmas musicals that are put on by the freshmen, and Finn receives three bonuses from work.

It isn't the destiny that either of them imagined, but it's _working_, so Rachel leaves it alone. They sleep together (sexually) at least once every couple of weeks. The sex isn't what it used to be, at least not for Rachel, but at least she has it. Rachel knows of a lot of couples who have stopped trying all together. Maybe Finn is inept at trying to be romantic, maybe it does feel like they're going through the motions, but why fix something that isn't technically broken?

They work on most levels. Yeah, it does suck that Rachel always thought her future would be _great_ and it felt like she was settling for just _okay_. Yeah, it was awful that she found herself taking care of Finn more than her took care of her.

However, every relationship has it's problems. Rachel had to be thankful that Finn was there. She had to be grateful that she even had a marriage that worked most of the time.

They could always get better with time, anyway, and fix the problems as they go along.

* * *

About halfway through her first year, Finn gets promoted to a job that requires a little bit more labor but a lot more hours. It's better money and Rachel is thankful that he's trying to provide for her.

For whatever the money brings; security, comfort, happiness, it also takes away just as much. Finn becomes too tired to put in the effort to do much around the apartment. He stops wanting to hang out with any of Rachel's friends and she finds herself resenting the fact that she has to stay home with her husband when everyone else gets to go out and live.

The resentment manifests itself and Rachel starts avoiding spending time with Finn. She's still present when she has to be, but she starts spending more and more of her free time with Kurt. It's nice to be around Kurt and talk about the newest gossip at NYADA. It's nice to not have to think about laundry, dinner, or bills.

It's nice to feel eighteen again.

* * *

Finn doesn't seem to mind the fact that Rachel's gone, as long as she's with Kurt. It irks her that he feels he can control her. It grates on Rachel's nerves to realize that Finn thinks he has some sort of claim on what she does and where.

Rachel tells Kurt as much while they're waiting in line at Starbucks. He's trying to buy Blaine a generic NYC mug for Valentine's Day because Blaine has "always wanted one". It's all a little bland if you ask Rachel. She's always been one for exaggeration and dramatics, a cup didn't seem like enough to her.

Kurt turns around to look at her. He's wearing a ridiculous top hat and a wool trench coat. He kind-of looks like Sherlock Holmes, but Rachel doesn't want to offend him, so she just smiles. He continues to look at her sternly before sighing.

"Rachel, he sorta does have a claim on you."

Rachel bristles at Kurt's response. "What do you mean?"

Kurt narrows his eyes and Rachel senses that he's starting to piece some of the thoughts together that Rachel hasn't even strung together yet. "You guys are married. Husband and wife. Did you forget that?"

Rachel tenses.

She kind-of did.

* * *

Finn forgets about Valentine's Day and Rachel pretends not to remember. It's easier than acknowledging the fact that she'd rather spend an evening alone then spend it with someone who she doesn't even know anymore.

It's not the fact that Finn's away or the fact that Rachel spends more time with Kurt than she does Finn. It's the fact that they don't communicate, that they never spoke about anything besides making it, and now they don't seem to know what to say. It's the fact that Finn thinks she wants a husband instead of a companion, it's the fact that they both don't care very much about talking or figuring out who the other person is turning into. They're both trying and that should count for something, but Rachel can see that Finn doesn't like the fact that he's resigned himself to "husband".

Rachel isn't very fond of the fact that she's resigned herself to "wife".

For the first time (and most likely not the last) Rachel finds her thoughts straying to Quinn. She wonders if Quinn found her happy ending, if she finally blossomed into the social girl she could have always been. Rachel wonders if she's popular or a bookworm, if her classes are difficult or easy, if she still speaks to Santana.

Most of all, Rachel wonders if Quinn feels free. Free of obligations, free of anger, free of the shackles that binded her to be ordinary.

Rachel thinks about emailing her before hesitating. She wasn't quite ready to hear Quinn's 'I told you so'.

* * *

Rachel and Finn continue their dance for the next few months. Neither of them say anything. It becomes so easy that Rachel feels like she just blinked and ended up at her freshman graduation.

Finn doesn't show up because he doesn't want to miss work. It's both the problem and the solution to their current circumstances, and Rachel can't help herself when she blows up at him later. Every little thing she'd ever held in comes bursting out and she almost regrets it. She almost regrets saying anything until Finn looks at her. He looks so confused and tired. He looks at Rachel like she's being crazy and selfish and it just spurs her on until she has nothing left to say except for 'sorry'.

She's about to say it when Finn stands up and does some weird gesture with his hands. He flings his head around as if he's trying to make sense of everything before settling on Rachel. He's so much like the boy she loved back in High School. He's caring and gentle and he genuinely loves her, but Rachel is starting to believe that marriage is more than that. Marriage is about hard work and about being ready, both of which they didn't seem to possess.

"I thought you were happy, Rach?"

It's enough to set her off and cool her down all at once. The fact that he took silence as happiness is enough to let Rachel know that this marriage was ill advised. It was probably a mistake, and there was no point in denying it.

Rachel makes the decision to tell Finn right then and there. She decides that she's going to tell him about how he works somewhere that he hates, that they barely play music anymore, that they don't even try to have sex. She decides to tell him about the boy named Brody who kissed her last week and made her feel more alive than the past eight months ever did. She wants to tell him about how her future was written in the stars and nowhere was it mentioned that she'd be unhappy.

She wants to tell him that people fall out of love every day and that she got so caught up in being all the wrong things that she forget how to be herself. She's going to tell him about how Kurt and Blaine still act like they're in high school, how their affection is sickening to see in person, how her and Finn haven't been like that since they started trying to survive New York.

She's about to speak and let it all out when her phone rings. She picks it up when she notices that it's her daddy Leroy, and she let's Finn pick her up as she listens to her daddy tell her how her dad passed away.

It's ironic: the phone call saves their marriage.

The irony: it destroys Rachel in the process.

* * *

They stay together because Rachel would rather be around someone than be alone.

Finn helps her plan, attend, and coordinate the funeral. He helps her pick a white casket, he helps her go through her box of old photos, he even speaks to Mr. Schue and gets the new glee club to perform some sort of medley.

In all honesty, she's tuning the whole horrendous thing out. The medley, the fact that Finn looks more happy watching Glee than he has ever looked with her, the obnoxious reality that people kept coming up to her saying things like, "It gets easier" and "I know how you're feeling" and "you're so strong".

It takes all of Rachel's willpower to not punch any of them in the face. Instead, she excuses herself to the ladies restroom. It's easier to hide in a bathroom than it is to listen to that Marley girl sing Mariah Carey's _Bye Bye_ or to hear old classmates talk about her father (like they knew him, like they knew her).

Rachel sneaks her way into the bathroom and stealthily locks the door behind her. She had every intention of spending the rest of this awful night alone and without any more words of pity. She exhales in relief and doesn't hear the stall unlock behind her.

Santana stumbles out of the bathroom looking like how Rachel wants to feel. She gives Rachel a curt nod and stumbles to the sink next to Rachel before sizing her up and down.

"Berry, you look like shit."

Rachel smiles because she could always count on Santana to never change. "Don't start sweet talking me now, Lopez."

Santana barks out a laugh. Rachel's close enough to smell the liquor and far away enough to be jealous that she's not Santana. "Don't hate me because I keeps it real."

"The only thing you've ever kept is your juvie record."

Santana placed a hand over heart and did her best to look solemn. "Your lies cut me real deep, Berry." Santana pulls out a flask from the clutch that she's been holding (the one Rachel didn't even notice until now). Santana unscrewed the cap and extends her arm towards Rachel. "Here."

Rachel scrunched her nose up in distaste. "What is that?"

"Apple juice." Santana quips. She rolls her eyes when Rachel continues to eye her warily. "What the hell does it look like?"

Rachel grabs the flask and holds it up towards her nose. She grimaces when she's overcome with the smell of whiskey. "Why are you giving this to me?"

Santana shrugs. "Why do I ever do anything?"

"To kill me?"

Santana snorts. She shakes her head before softening her gaze. It catches Rachel off guard because the only time she's ever seen Santana look so vulnerable was when she was around Brittany. "Look, Berry, I'm not going to say that I get it, because I don't. But I will say this...when my grandmother rejected me, everything seemed a lot better and easier to handle when I was numb. Even if it was only for a little while."

Rachel eyes the flask and soaks up Santana's words. It's the most sincere that Rachel has ever heard Santana be and it gives Rachel the courage to down the rest of what's left in the flask.

It's not until later that Rachel finds out how right Santana was.

* * *

It isn't until Rachel's crying behind the reception hall, her mind foggy from alcohol and her body sagging with defeat, that Rachel wonders if Quinn felt this way too. She wonders if Quinn is the one who helped Santana feel better just like Santana helped Rachel.

Again, Rachel wonders if Quinn is happy.

She hopes that Quinn is and Rachel hates that she isn't.

* * *

It takes three months for Finn to realize that Rachel isn't going to be _Rachel_ again.

She currently spends less time with Finn than she ever did. She spends more time at Kurt's apartment, at school, and more time with Brody than she even spends thinking about Finn. He's trying to be a good husband and a good partner, but Rachel isn't trying at all.

Rachel barely speaks when she's at home and when she does, it's usually brash, harsh, and negative. Finn doesn't seem to know what to make of her and he doesn't really seem to want to try. He isn't ready to give up yet, that much is clear, because he sticks with Rachel and it just makes her _angrier._

She doesn't want Finn to stick with her. She doesn't want to be nineteen and married, she doesn't want to be an "us" anymore, she just wants to be an "I".

Rachel starts doing more and more things that are not very Rachel-like. She starts hooking up with Brody once a week. It isn't love, but it's hot and he knows how to make her feel good. She makes sure to go with him to bars where she can feel numb for just a few hours. She kisses men and women, she let's Cassandra July grope her during rehearsals. In all honesty, it's easier to be this Rachel. It's easier to not give a flying fuck.

Finn doesn't catch the hint. He starts trying harder and Rachel can't stand it.

Sometimes, she feels like she's drowning and that she can't say anything. It makes Rachel angry, so very angry to have to share everything with Finn, for Finn to constantly get what he wants.

For once, Rachel just wants to be selfish and get away with it.

* * *

It takes three more months for Finn to enroll in a few acting classes at the local community college. He says it's because he refuses to be someone who just "sat around waiting for their wife to be a wife again".

Rachel can't help but be relieved, she didn't need Finn hovering over her constantly.

She didn't need a husband.

* * *

**Marriage:** a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other.

Rachel can't help but wonder if this is where they always went wrong, because instead of pledging, it seems as though they just resigned themselves to one another.

* * *

Rachel tries not to think about her dad Hiram. It's easier that way. She pushes the memories of birthdays and christmases and days where it was just her dad and her so far down, that Rachel almost makes herself believe they don't exist.

She certainly gets points for trying.

Finn keeps telling her that she isn't-that _this_ isn't healthy.

Rachel wants to tell him that staying in a marriage that was never going to last because you were afraid of being a failure isn't healthy either.

Rachel doesn't say anything because she's afraid, too.

* * *

Rachel pushes everything away and focuses on school, ignoring Finn, and pretending to be old Rachel. She spends so much time focused on all of that that before she knows it, it's the anniversary of her dad's death.

It's scary how time works. It's scary that it doesn't matter if you're ready or happy or scared, life will still continue without you, and if you're lucky, you'll get to go with it.

The unlucky ones stayed stuck.

Rachel couldn't be one of the unlucky ones.

It hits her then that she was pushing everyone and everything away because she didn't want to except the fact that her dad was gone. It occurs to her that no matter how hard she tries, no matter how hard she hurts or how much life burns, he's never going to come back. Her dad will only ever be alive in her dreams.

It's enough to crumple Rachel into a sobbing mess.

She's heaving because she can't breathe. She's gasping for air because even though a part of her was aware that her father was dead, this small unreasonable part of her was still under the impression that if she didn't acknowledge it, he'd just come back to her one day and pretend like this whole thing was one big joke.

It's devastating, denial. It alludes and allures you, it makes you believe that all things are possible as long as you have faith. But faith is the falsest of all things, because not even faith could provide Rachel with her perfect happy ending.

Her perfect ending would probably never be perfect.

Her dad would never be anything but dead.

Finn couldn't be anything other than her husband.

And Rachel was doomed to be crushed by all of that.

* * *

Rachel hurries home after her panic attack. She decides that she's going to try and do it right, that she's tired of feeling so fucking lonely. Rachel decides that she's going to try and make this whole thing between her and Finn work because he's trying, and God, Rachel forgot how to try somewhere along the way.

She belonged with Finn, he loved her and he was trying everywhere that Rachel wasn't. For the longest time she felt like their life was just a song that was on repeat. It hits her now that she was the one that was preventing either of them from pressing play.

Rachel pushes through the doors, feeling a little bit like her old self with her old smirk. She's ready to kiss Finn, to tell him that she's ready to try again.

What she isn't ready for is a half-empty apartment.

What she isn't ready for is a note and a ring.

What she isn't ready for is a girl named Stacy who Finn had met in Lima during Rachel's father's funeral. A girl who stole his heart and then stole her husband.

What Rachel isn't ready for is the fact that she's finally alone, and she isn't quite sure if that's what she wants to be.

* * *

The crazy thing is though, is that she thought something like this would crush her. And it does, for a while. But Rachel still wakes up every morning and goes to sleep every night, and sometimes if she's lucky, she gets lost in pretending like nothing has changed.

Except that it has.

It's the little things, she realizes, that knock the wind out of her and remind Rachel that it's sometimes difficult to remember to breathe. It's easy for Rachel to get distracted with the minor details of each day. It's easy for her to be consumed with the idea of "constantly moving forward"; it's easy to pretend, until something comes along that crushes her all over again.

It's remembering to buy lactose free milk, and never quite deleting Finn's number from her phone. It's losing a hat (that was never hers and could never be hers). It's forgetting why she used to smile during Journey, Bon Jovi, or any of the classics, really. It's thinking endlessly and in circles whenever there is silence.

It's forgetting to say, "they loved me once" instead of "he loves me now."

It's the moments where Rachel has to convince herself that it won't always feel like she's suffocating, like she's a failure.

* * *

Kurt offers Rachel the second room that Blaine usually took when he visited. Rachel takes it in a heartbeat, she packs all of her things and gets ready to leave her old life behind. It'd been three months since Finn had left her and she was ready to start this new school year as a new Rachel.

She still felt like a failure, but with Kurt around her, Rachel felt like it was less obvious.

At least she had her health, right?

* * *

It's her moving day and literally three days before her Junior year at NYADA when Quinn Fabray makes a startling return to her life.

She's packing-more like burying-everything from the past two years (everything that she'd like not to remember) when she hears a knock on her door. She yells at Kurt that she's got it (because, really, she thinks that she finally does) and heads to her door for what's probably the last time.

She opens it in a rush and is completely shocked to see Quinn Fabray standing in front of her. Mostly because Quinn had no idea where she even lived, partly because Quinn Fabray has never spoken to her in the past two years and it's strangely alarming for her to be on Rachel's doorstep.

Quinn leans on the cane in her right hand and Rachel immediately feels her heart sink in guilt. Quinn notices and cuts Rachel off before she can apologize.

"I heard you needed some extra hands while moving?" Quinn asks, a tight smile on her lips.

Rachel leans against the door frame and crosses her arms. "So you decided to just take a train from New Haven to New York on a whim?"

Quinn shrugged. She lifted the carrier that was holding the two coffees in her left hand. "And I brought coffee."

"That's thoughtful, Quinn, but I can't. I have heart palpitations."

Quinn smirked. "That's sweet, Berry. It's nice to know I give you heart palpitations."

Rachel frowned. She shook her head furiously, everything about her completely caught off guard by Quinn's statement. "Excuse me for being impolite, Quinn, but you have to understand my...hesitation. I haven't spoken to you in two years and you show up acting as though we're best friends."

Quinn sighs and decides to cut straight to the chase. Quinn starts fiddling with the hem of her shirt. "Santana wrote me. About the divorce."

"So you're here to gloat?" Rachel asked, her hands moving to her hips in anger.

Rachel had been in contact with Santana ever since her dad's death. The girl was often crass and sometimes cruel, but she understood Rachel in a way that most didn't.

Quinn grabbed a paper that was squeezed in between the two coffees and shoved a newspaper article in front of Rachel's face. "I'm here to wallow with someone else who understands."

Rachel grabbed the article from Quinn's hands. She barely has time to absorb the sentences, '_Quinn Fabray files for divorce from Yale alumni Morgan Wilson_' and '_she cites irreconcilable differences, Wilson (who is the son of the Yale Dean Scott Wilson) states that Mrs. Fabray never showed any sign of unhappiness. In fact, he was caught unaware when she fled from their marriage after only six months_', before Kurt comes loudly over to the door.

"Rachel, who the hell is at the door? We still have to do more pack...ing." Kurt trails off as he spots Quinn. He shoots Rachel a confused look as to why the former Ice Queen of their high school is standing near her. He's two seconds away from grabbing the scissors from the floor to use them to defend himself when Rachel steps to the side and gestures for Quinn to come in.

"It's a friend."

* * *

Rachel is fascinated to learn that somehow her and Quinn both managed to take the same route in life. It was amazing that after all these years, they still were basically the same person. It's cleansing, in a way, to learn that your biggest competition turned out to be just like you did.

It makes Rachel feel like less of a failure.

It makes Quinn seem more real.

"So, because of this whole debacle, I'm actually transferring to NYU for my last two years."

Kurt dropped his mouth open in surprise. "You're kidding. They forced you to leave?"

Quinn hesitates. She looks at Rachel as if she'd much rather be sharing this knowledge with her. Eventually she caves and gives Kurt a tight smile. "Not exactly. The only thing they did was make my living...hard. It's the students at Yale who were starting to become a problem. Morgan is used to getting what he wants, and he's very good at making that happen."

"Where are you going to live?" Rachel asks before she can stop herself. She pulls away from the little circle they've formed on the floor and pretends to be interested in the lint on her jeans.

"I don't know." Quinn answers honestly.

Rachel looks over at Kurt (who's already shaking his head in a firm no) before looking back at Quinn. "You can stay with us."

"Really?" Quinn asks in surprise at the same time that Kurt exclaims "No!"

Kurt flushed as he tried to backtrack. "I mean, not that you're not great, Quinn. It's jus-"

"I understand." Quinn answers before Kurt can finish.

Rachel shakes her head. She's tired of being the Rachel who only did things for herself, she needed to try and be the old Rachel again. "Actually, Quinn, you can stay with us. As long as you don't mind sharing a room with me."

Quinn raises her eyebrows in amusement while Kurt looks like he's ready to strangle her. Rachel laughs in response (like a full belly, whole hearted laugh) and it's the first time Kurt has heard her laugh like that in months, so he relents. Maybe Quinn will be good for Rachel, he thinks.

"Okay, you can stay with us in Rachel's room." Kurt answers. "As long as you can pay half of her rent and promise to not be a bitch again, you're in."

"Kurt," Rachel scolds, her eyebrows furrowing in disappointment. "That's rude."

Quinn stuck her hands up to keep the two divas from arguing. "No, no, Rachel, it's cool. I get it, and I can promise to do my best."

Kurt shrugs. "Then you're in."

* * *

It's weird at first. Rachel's not completely sure how she went from sharing a bed with her ex-husband to sharing a bed with the girl she initially stole him from. She honestly doesn't know if she should hate Quinn or like her. A big part of her is tired of all the hating though, but this small part of her still holds on to everything Quinn ever did to her.

Regardless, Quinn was a pretty decent roommate. She cleaned daily, she cooked when she could, she would pick up movies or books that she thought Rachel and Kurt might like and she had the tendency to leave little notes everywhere.

Rachel could tell that Kurt didn't want to admit it, but Quinn grew on him very quickly. It only took a month for him to turn from her biggest hater into her biggest supporter. In fact, Rachel was almost certain that if Kurt wasn't gay, he would have been all up in that.

Quinn didn't seem to mind. In fact, she seemed to embrace it with grace and poise and everything else a Powerpuff girl possessed.

* * *

It took a month for Quinn to become employed at the NYU library. She was majoring in literature it seemed to fit her personality perfectly. When Quinn wasn't at home she was usually in that library. As a consequence, Rachel started finding herself in that library more often than not.

"So what did you say?" Quinn asked. She was wearing a blue cardigan and a white baby doll dress. It was what she called her "librarian getup".

Rachel shrugged and handed Quinn another book from the return rack. "I told him that drunken booty calls don't equal exhibitionist behavior."

Quinn laughed, her shoulders shaking as she tried to keep herself quiet. "Seriously, only you could pick a guy who likes to perform naked in public."

"At least he wasn't the Dean's son." Rachel retaliated.

Quinn looked at Rachel, her eyes soft and amused. "Touché."

* * *

It was nearing Christmas time when Kurt finally admitted out loud that Quinn was a good fit. He had noticed it beforehand, but he wasn't willing to give Quinn power before he was ready.

"I like Quinn." Kurt stated one December morning over breakfast. He looked down at his Kelloggs cereal and decided it was too mushy to be edible anymore.

Rachel looked up from her daily crossword. She had her dance class in the afternoon on Thursday's which meant that she could actually have breakfast with Kurt before he headed to his fashion internship. He was working hard at being in the world of fashion and still succeeded at NYADA, it was killing him, Rachel knew, but it was also saving him.

"I should hope so, she's only been living with us for almost four months."

Kurt rolled his eyes in annoyance. "No, seriously, Rachel. She's good for you. You've been better with her around."

Rachel smiled. "I know."

* * *

Rachel pushed her way through the double doors at the NYU library. With it being Winter, she decided it would be much safer to walk Quinn home after work. The sky darkened earlier than usual and it gave Rachel the perfect excuse to get some exercise, not think about how Hanukkah was her dad's favorite holiday, and walk Quinn home.

Rachel grinned when she spotted Quinn saying goodbye to the other librarians. She waltzed up towards Quinn, the grin still on her face. "Good evening, my lady, your chariot awaits."

Quinn laughed as Rachel curtsied. She raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Do tell, what is my chariot exactly?"

Rachel pointed to her feet as if it was obvious. "Why these feet, of course!"

"You're such a goofball."

Rachel wagged her finger at Quinn. "Ah, but I'm the best goofball you know."

Quinn followed Rachel towards the double doors and laughed as they pushed through them. "You're right about thaaaaat." Quinn finished the last part of her sentence with a bit of a wail.

Rachel looked over at Quinn concerned. "What's wrong?"

Quinn swatted Rachel's arm dismissively. "It's nothing."

Rachel didn't buy it but continued to walk, anyway. They talked about school as usual, Quinn told her about a new story that she was writing. This one was about a girl named Aurora who suffered from insomnia. Rachel laughed as Quinn continued to tell her story. Quinn just had such a way with words, it was no wonder she was studying to be a writer.

"And then she wakes uuuu-ow." Quinn stops in pain. She bends over and places her hand on the small of her back.

It isn't until Rachel gets closer that she notices the thin layer of sweat covering Quinn's forehead. "Quinn, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing," Quinn huffed.

"_Quinn_." Rachel replied sternly.

Quinn nodded, getting the point. "I just-it hurts to walk in the cold sometimes, because of the accident."

Rachel stops moving when she realizes what Quinn is saying. "Where's your cane, Quinn?"

"Not with me." Rachel stared at Quinn unwaveringly until the blonde eventually rolled her eyes in defeat. "I wanted to do this on my own, okay? I don't want-I don't need that stupid cane."

Rachel deflated. "Quinn, it's okay to need something."

"No, it's not."

Rachel didn't want to get into an argument, not out in the middle of freezing weather. She didn't want to have this conversation when Quinn looked like she was going to keel over from the exertion that this walk was causing her. So she walked until she was standing in front of Quinn and then turned around so that her back was facing Quinn's front.

"Hop on."

Quinn laughed. "You're the size of a child, you have got to be kidding me."

Rachel didn't budge. "We're wasting time."

"Oh my God, you're serious?"

Rachel shrugged. "It's either this or you wait for me to go grab your cane."

"It's eleven blocks, Rachel! Are you crazy?"

"I'm waiting."

Rachel heard Quinn sigh before she felt Quinn grab onto her shoulders and leap. Rachel caught her fairly quickly, jumping to make sure Quinn was on there securely. Quinn was warm and her hair ticked Rachel's forehead. Her perfume was fruity and it made Rachel dizzy, she wasn't really sure why, but everything felt like a little too much for the moment.

"Hold on tight, Quinn."

"This is so embarrassing." Rachel felt Quinn's hot breath against her ear and she shivered in response.

Rachel laughed and started walking towards their apartment. "Yeah, well, maybe next time you'll remember to bring your cane."

"I hope you cave under my massive weight."

Rachel snorted, her grip tightening on Quinn's legs as they passed a large group of bums. "If you're massive than the granola bar I had for breakfast must be gargantuan."

Quinn groaned. "I hate you."

"Naw, you don't hate me. But you will hate me after I tell Kurt."

Quinn started wailing over dramatically and all Rachel could do was laugh in response.

One block down, ten more to go.

Damn, it sure was cold.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N:**_ _Hey guys! This is part two of my series. I appreciate all the great feedback, please let me know if you guys like this! I'm actually thinking about making this a few chapters longer. This chapter is written from Quinn's POV. I honestly feel more comfortable writing from Rachel's, but I felt like this was necessary. Please read and review! THANK YOU._

* * *

**I Tried To Do Handstands For You**

**(But Every Time I Fell For You)**

Quinn Fabray had always felt incredibly partial to words.

To Quinn, words were the only true devices of power. Words completely dismantled her and often built her back up. They created confidence and heartache. Words were capable of spreading love and hate while still remaining impartial to both.

Quinn had respect (on principle) for anything that could remain impartial in this world.

Quinn learned fairly quickly that she wasn't very good at being a Fabray. She wasn't pretty like Charlotte. At least, "not yet", as her mother always said. She didn't command attention when she walked into a room, like her father. She didn't stick out as if she were a shiny new token, like her mother. She wasn't very good at being a prize, Quinn had only ever been good at being costly, and her father often reminded her that that wasn't a good thing.

Honestly, Quinn had to thrive where she could, whether she wanted to or not. It was hard enough to survive in a family that was filled with perfection, she couldn't let him squash Lucy, too.

Her father had always said that great people created great despair. She often wondered if it counted when they created it in their own offspring.

Quinn begrudgingly had to admit that her father had been given the gift of tongues and he had used it to create havoc on anything that didn't meet his expectations. He tore them down (people, ideals, presentations) and built them up to her specific expectations.

Still, he considered words to be useless, and all Quinn could do was look on in wonder.

'Perhaps,' she often thinks, 'he's right in his own way.' But to Quinn, words would always be magical. They created connections in the world and it was Quinn's goal to use her gift to create stories that others could relate to. She wanted the world to know they weren't alone.

Quinn wanted to believe that she wasn't either.

* * *

By the time Quinn reached high school she had mastered her gift. She knew how to be charming and create everything out of anything. She was cunning without being cruel and loyal without being a pushover. Most of all, she was talented.

Words were her fuel, they were _fire. _

She was proud, because she knew this gift would take her places that her father had never been capable of going. After all, appreciation always spread farther and burned longer than devastation and destruction.

Quinn should have seen it coming, really.

She had spent the past year losing weight and thriving in ways that the Fabray's considered _real_, just so she could survive and keep her words to herself. It was lonely, sure, but it was better than someone constantly deciding she wasn't worth it.

In the end, it was always about her father.

Her father was demeaning, self-centered, self righteous, cruel, pretentious, judgemental, and distant. But he was still _her father_ and Quinn still felt this inherent desire to just fit in. Fit into her life, her family, her body, _her story_.

* * *

Quinn had been signing up for the writing club when she had recognized a random dance mob starting in the hallway.

Words co-existed with music, so it made sense to Quinn to just _move_. She didn't count on Sue Sylvester or any Cheerio being around to spot her.

It happened, regardless.

It's a weird feeling to go through most of your life being undesired, only to have somebody suddenly decide that you're worth it just because they consider you to be good at something that they need.

Quinn had never wanted to be a Cheerio. They were vapid, cruel, unintelligible little creatures and Quinn had no desire to be a part of that world. She had only wanted to write and breathe life into the things that mattered.

But her family had been ecstatic at Sue's interest.

Before Quinn knew it, she was a Cheerio.

Before Quinn knew it, she saw her dreams fall into the endless pit that is human desire.

* * *

The first week sucks because Quinn doesn't want to be there.

The other girls make fun of her because she spends more time in her notebooks or her novels than she does interacting with any people.

They hide her things and push her to the bottom of the pyramid so often that Quinn has to start taking precautions. She doesn't do anything back, ever. It's honestly not worth it. Quinn knows she's going to get farther and be bigger than any of these stupid girls because she knows there's life after High School, and these girls clearly don't.

She doesn't do anything because they're all going to wash her windows some day.

* * *

Halfway through her third week her father makes her a deal. She can join the writing club if she makes an effort to actually succeed in Cheerios.

Quinn is desperate to hold onto the thing that's always made her feel normal, so she compromises.

* * *

Writing Club is enough to sate the rumbling desire Quinn felt on a daily basis.

She befriends two girls from the Cheerios. Santana and Brittany, they were called. The duo spends most of their day staring at one another and pretending like they don't want to "tap that".

Quinn isn't stupid, she's seen The L Word (by accident, she swears). She knows what's going on before Santana and Brittany can even bother to acknowledge it. She's heard her father's speeches about the homosexuals and she knows what she's supposed to do, what she's supposed to say to make him proud.

However, Santana and Brittany are nothing like what her father preached they would be. They're witty and sweet and viciously loyal. They're crass and overtly sexual, in a way that makes Quinn sometimes flush from embarrassment. They're different and it's surprising to see people who are vastly different from her father (and the people he surrounds himself with). What surprises Quinn the most though, is how much she genuinely likes them both. So she doesn't say anything.

It's nice to have something that's just hers again.

* * *

It takes six weeks for Santana and Brittany to become her best friends. Seven weeks for the other Cheerios to start harassing them too, eight weeks for Quinn to start trying harder, and eleven weeks for a few Cheerios to work up the courage to lock Brittany in the janitors closet.

It takes Quinn thirteen weeks for Quinn to channel her father. She plots and plans and fills herself with anger in a way that's truly terrifying. It's in this moment that she feels most like a Fabray. It feels like this moment is a sacrifice that Quinn's going to regret someday.

She does it anyway. She does it for Brittany's tears and for Santana's curse words. Quinn does it because she's never truly stood up for something that mattered.

It takes Quinn fifteen weeks to stop showing up to Writing Club. Instead, she takes that free afternoon and steals every single Cheerio's clothing while they're in the showers. She buys big gulps full of slurpees from the 7-11 down the street with her father's credit card, and she uses the enamored Finn Hudson and his football buddies to pour every last drop over every last piece of clothing.

It's soul shattering, because she finally feels just like her father.

* * *

The Cheerios are outraged (as well as their parents) and it takes less than a day for Quinn to end up in Sue Sylvester's office.

Sue, for her part, looks amused.

Quinn, for her part, doesn't even bat an eyelash.

* * *

It takes sixteen weeks and three days for Sue Sylvester to promote Quinn to Captain.

Apparently she could recognize talent when she saw it.

* * *

Quinn quickly makes Santana and Brittany her Co-Captain's. She trusts them with every fiber of her being and she knows they have her back in every situation.

The Cheerios are obviously outraged. They don't know what to make of the girl who spent so long being quiet.

It all feels like a choice.

It's not until Quinn is yelling orders at the top of her lungs, undeniable amounts of anger coursing through her as always, that she realizes she made the wrong one.

* * *

It's thrilling, to be in charge of the order of things. Quinn enacts punishment on everyone she deems unworthy. She can't continue being cruel to the Cheerios or football players because she needs them. That leaves the freaks and the geeks.

* * *

She starts the slushy thing as a way of quelling her anger. Quinn honestly doesn't know where it came from. She does know that now that she's allowed it to burn, it's almost impossible to put out.

She doesn't know if it's resentment that she got pushed somewhere she never really wanted to be. She doesn't know if it's bewilderment at not being punished for her actions (instead she was praised at home). She doesn't know if it's bitterness evolving into an actual entity.

Whatever it is, it's obviously not going away anytime soon.

She starts with the losers and kids at the bottom of the food chain because she wants them to change just like she did. She ends with Rachel Berry because the girl doesn't change, in fact, she only tries harder.

* * *

Rachel Berry quickly becomes her focus. The girl refuses to give in, so as a side effect, Quinn only pushed harder. She spends the better part of her first two years of high school focused on making Rachel Berry cave.

Along the way Quinn acquires Finn and others, but her end goal is still the same. It's just nice to have back-up.

It wasn't fair that Rachel didn't give in easily. It spurred Quinn's anger on and she found Rachel to be her only target. She took her gift of words and she used to be cruel. She invented phrases and awful names to call Rachel whenever she was around Quinn.

She spends so much time on trying to push Rachel into being just like Quinn that Quinn doesn't recognize how she's turning into her father.

She just wants Rachel to relent, she just wants her to accept the hand they've been dealt. There's nothing wrong or cruel about that and she tells Rachel just as much when she has Rachel and Kurt cornered by the auditorium.

Kurt looks terrified, Rachel just looks like Quinn's a challenge. Rachel looks her in the eye, her voice never wavering as Finn barrels over with two giant big gulps full of different flavor slushies. "You always have a choice, Quinn."

Quinn smiles mischievously. "You're right, Berry. So what will yours be? Cherry or Grape?"

For the record, it's amazing that Rachel doesn't even flinch. Instead, she glances over at Kurt and gives him a small nod. The boy is dressed in an all white outfit and trembling like a puppy. Rachel steps in front of Kurt, her hands smoothing down her atrocious argyle sweater in the process.

"Very well, do your worst, Quinn."

* * *

"Quinn, don't you think we're going too far?"

Quinn turns her head towards her second in command. "Having second thoughts, Lopez?"

Santana opens and closes her mouth like a fish and Quinn finds it too amusing. Finally Santana closes her mouth, her eyes holding a look of resolve. "It's just-her dad's got her this car for her sixteenth birthday. Isn't it kind-of cruel to destroy it with crude names?"

"I never knew you were such a pussy, Santana."

"I'm not." Santana responds, her voice firm and her eyes hard at Quinn's language.

Quinn grabbed a can of spray paint and pushed it into Santana's hands. "Then stop being such a wuss and spray Manhands on her passenger door."

Santana uncapped the can, looking affronted and insulted. "Don't call me that again or I'll beat the shit out of you."

"Deal."

* * *

Quinn's on her way home from the stupid parent teacher meeting that Mr. Figgin's made her sit through. It was punishment enough that she didn't even get to finish tagging Rachel's car, she didn't understand why she had to sit through a lecture as well.

Nevertheless, she did it.

Her father had looked proud while her mother had chewed her lip from worry. Quinn barely even had it in her to be concerned, she was far too devastated at the fact that she was being forced to spend the rest of the year in Glee Club as punishment. Not to mention the fact that she had to pay for the all of the damages and issue an apology to Rachel.

It scared Quinn-to an extent-to realize that she was sitting across from a crying Rachel Berry and the only thing she felt (the only thing she was capable of feeling) was anger.

It's ugly, like her father, and it almost gives her pause. But she can't stop now, she can't change. She took this detour in her life and if being a Fabray taught her anything, it's that she has to finish the things she started.

She tunes out the rest of the lecture because it's dumb and she isn't willing to listen to it. No amount of words will change who she is, and it's that thought that snaps Quinn back into the moment, only to realize the lecture is pretty much done.

She's leaving the room, her parents already gone and on their way home when she feels a hand wrap around around her wrist. She turns towards the person who grabbed her arm, completely ready to scream murder. She hesitates when she recognizes Rachel. Her eyes are puffy and her face looks dry.

"You didn't have to do this, Quinn."

Quinn yanked her arm back as if Rachel had burned her. "Of course I did."

* * *

She's halfway home when her phone vibrates. She knows it's illegal to text and drive, but Lima is a ghost town, so Quinn's willing to risk it.

She lifts the screen so that it's eye level and swypes her phone until she reaches the texts app. It's from a number she doesn't recognize, so Quinn has to bring the phone closer to get a better look.

_I don't understand you, Quinn. However, I still forgive you._

Quinn's breathe hitches, but it's too late. Her heart skips a beat and her eyes are focused off of the road. It's just enough time to feel her car jerk instead of see her car get dismantled by a pickup truck.

It's safe to say that she never saw either thing coming.

* * *

Quinn spends three months in the hospital. Her father (and the doctors) tell her that her career as a Cheerio is over. She feels like she should be more devastated, but Sue is devastated enough for the whole damn world so Quinn lets herself feel nothing. Instead she feels relieved.

Everyone visits her in those first few days, even Rachel. It's awkward because she keeps humming songs underneath her breathe and Santana keeps telling her to shut her trap.

If Quinn could laugh, she would.

Santana and Brittany quit the cheerios shortly after Quinn gets cleared to have more than one visitor. It makes Quinn's heart warm and she suddenly feels varying degrees of guilt course through her body. She doesn't know why, but she immediately regrets the past two years of her life.

Her father resents her because she's practically useless now. Quinn feels grateful because she finally feels useful again.

* * *

By the time Senior year rolls around, Quinn is managing life in a wheelchair. She's not resigned to it, it's just hard for her to stand for extended periods of time.

She joins the writing club again. Relieved that she gets a second shot at being the girl she wanted to be, the girl she should have been before life got in the way.

Glee Club isn't that bad. In fact, the kids are all pretty neat. Santana and Brittany join shortly after Quinn. She's forced to finish out her punishment for destroying Rachel's car, they just come because it was decided long ago that they would always do things in threes.

Quinn starts going to Glee Club because of her probation, she keeps going after four months because of the people. Sure, it's a little weird to share an extracurricular activity with her ex-boyfriend and his current girlfriend (Rachel), but Quinn kinda gets a kick out of freaking Finn out whenever she walks into the room.

She cares less than she should about Finn and Rachel's romance. He was never good for Quinn and she constantly found herself on wits end with that boy. Finn frequently spent more time on his video games then he spent even _trying_.

So, no, she doesn't care and Finn and rachel. Quinn is a one man wolf pack, like Brittany always says, she doesn't need anyone else.

She stays in Glee Club until she's allowed to start using a cane.

She stays after that, too.

* * *

Quinn and Rachel aren't friends, not really.

Still, it shocks Quinn to hear about Rachel's engagement to Finn. They're three weeks away from graduation and better lives, she can't understand why Rachel would sacrifice her future for a high school sweetheart. It's the dumbest idea Quinn has ever heard, and Quinn planned on telling her as much.

So she did.

Rachel looked at Quinn warily as she listed the reasons teen marriage was a bad idea. She let Quinn ramble until she had nothing left to say. Never once did Rachel look uncomfortable at being ambushed in the girls restroom.

"Why does it matter?"

Quinn leaned against the bathroom sink. "If you go through with it, you're going to regret it."

Rachel sighed. Her shoulders heaving as if she was finally succumbing to all the years of torture Quinn put her through. "Why do you care, Quinn?"

Quinn hesitated for a brief moment before settling on honesty. "You were always the one that was gonna make it."

Rachel looks surprised by Quinn's words, as if they could be anything but true. "You will too, Quinn. Yale is a great school."

Quinn sighed in irritation. Her patience had always been fleeting, and it seemed to be even more so after the accident. Quinn doesn't want to comment on the fact that this is the first time Rachel hasn't risen to Quinn's challenge. It scares Quinn, to see Rachel so resigned, so she does the only thing she can. She thrusts a piece of paper into Rachel's hands and tries to make herself look like it was a huge hassle for her to be talking to Rachel.

"What is this?" Rachel asks with genuine confusion.

Quinn sighs. "It's my email."

Rachel looks bewildered as she turns the paper over in her hands. "Why?"

Quinn rolls her eyes in frustration. "Look, I know what it's like to resign...to be like everyone else, okay? And it was annoying because I constantly had this thorn in my side-you. You never-God, Rachel, I have faith that you'll make it, okay? You're different. You can go far and I know you can't see it now, but Finn is small town, small dreams. It won't work out because it can't. So when it starts to...when you know, email me, because I know what it's like to feel like you've failed something."

Rachel looks understandably frightened. This is the most Quinn has ever said to her without inserting a random insult. She puts Quinn's email into her pocket. "Quinn, I...thank you. I'll try and keep in contact."

Quinn sighed again. Rachel wasn't ready to actually hear what she was saying yet. No matter, Rachel would see it for herself soon enough. "Just be prepared for me to say I told you so."

"Oddly enough, I've always been prepared for you."

Quinn smirks because Rachel couldn't have said anything more true.

* * *

Graduation is nice. When Quinn accidentally drops her cane halfway across the stage, Santana and Brittany immediately come to her rescue and help her walk across the stage.

It's fitting, in a way, to end her days as The Quinn Fabray (just like she started them). With her two best friends flanked on her sides and everyone else staring at them in wonder.

* * *

Yale is difficult.

It's not as though she thought it wouldn't be, Quinn had just assumed Yale would be a different kind-of difficult. She thought the class work would be hard but as it turns out, it's the socializing that throws Quinn for loop. She's never been good at making friends that aren't Santana and Brittany, so this is the area where she truly struggles.

She spent so long being the girl who was untouchable that it sometimes still feels like she is.

Every day feels like a choice, and Quinn considers every day a win when she chooses not to be that old girl.

It's tiring and hard, but it's also worth it. Quinn finally feels free. She's no longer underneath the suffocating thumb of her parents. She can join clubs that she wants to, she can study what she wants to, and she can do what she wants to.

She thinks about emailing Rachel sometimes.

She thinks about emailing Rachel.

She thinks about Rachel.

She thinks and does nothing.

* * *

This new mantra is what leads her to joining a creative writing class in the second semester of her freshman year. Quinn is tired of not taking the risks she's always wanted to. Landing on the Dean's List last semester gave Quinn the extra confidence she needed to go out and try. Creative writing leads her to new words and new stories, it leads her to Morgan Wilson.

Morgan is handsome, smart, and a senior. He's witty, fashionable, a christian, and the Dean's youngest son. He's made up of all the characteristics that would have made Quinn the top dog at McKinley and like moth to a flame, Quinn feels herself drawn to him.

It's hard to ignore the power that she used to possess, it's hard to ignore the power Morgan had within his reach. Quinn doesn't want to be that old girl again, but she's also tired of having very few friends. She often thinks about the days where she could make people speak to her and she wonders if she could do those things again.

It's somewhat planned when she drops her cane in front of Morgan as they exit class, to get his attention. It isn't planned, however, when he takes an actual interest in Quinn (and she takes an interest back).

* * *

Morgan pretends to be her friend for a few months before admitting that he wanted more. Quinn let's it progress because she finally has a friend at Yale. She has people surrounding her constantly, she has girls looking at her with envious eyes, she has fleeting contact on an almost daily basis. She can't give any of that up.

Santana and Brittany don't like him. He's an older version of Finn they tell her, he's only interested in making Quinn a prize they scold. Quinn honestly can't bring herself to disagree or care with her best friends because they don't understand how she feels. Sure, she's succeeding at Yale, but she's succeeding _alone._ Santana and Brittany have each other, they always have. They don't understand how much it hurts to grow up and realize she's free and still alone.

She thinks about asking how Rachel is doing. Quinn knows Brittany talks to Kurt and Rachel at least once a week and Quinn's oddly curious to know how Rachel and Finn's marriage is going. It's been nearly eight months and they were still together, so maybe Rachel had known something that Quinn didn't in high school.

She thinks about it and then decides against it. She didn't need Santana teasing her because it was years later and Quinn's thoughts were still consumed by Rachel.

* * *

"I don't like him." Brittany says simply, in a way that is so specifically Brittany. As if she doesn't need to hold back because honesty is always the best answer.

Quinn rolls her eyes. She's skyping her best friends when she was supposed to be studying final exams. "Brittany, you're holding a grudge."

Santana's face comes into view as Brittany bends down to pick up something. "Grudge or not, B has always been a great judge of character."

"Even when she dated Sam?"

Santana's nostrils flare, her eyes narrowing in anger. "We agreed to pretend like that had never happened, Fabray. Just like I agreed to pretend like you didn't occasionally wet yourself after the accident."

Quinn felt her face flush in embarrassment. "I couldn't feel my legs, Lopez. Excuse me for not being able to control my bladder as well."

Brittany popped back into view, Lord Tubbington on her lap. "He called Lord Tubbington fat."

"Brittany, to be fair, Lord Tubbington has gained some weight recently."

Santana is motioning with her hand for Quinn to stop, but it's too late, the words have already left her mouth. Brittany quickly covers Lord Tubbington's ears and leans toward the camera, her face solemn. "You know that he's battling depression, Quinn. It an uphill battle, okay? It's not his fault that he eats when he's sad. Everyone has a coping mechanism."

Quinn doesn't say anything because she doesn't want to hurt Brittany's feelings. Santana seems to agree because she quickly changes the topic. "We just want what's best for you, Q. And Mr. Sunshine? He isn't it."

"I know," Quinn starts, a soft smile on her lips. "But he's better than nothing."

* * *

They've been dating for almost four months when Morgan asks her. Everything he does in such a big scale. Love, proposals, College...he does everything as if he's a living, breathing, television show.

It's intense and crazy because he often does things just to move onto the next part of life. He doesn't think about what's best, he does what he thinks is supposed to happen. Dinner is romantic and yeah, Quinn felt incredibly special for Morgan to ask her of all people.

However, they've only been together four months. Quinn hasn't even said "I love you" and meant it yet. She isn't quite sure what love is, but as she watches Morgan get on one knee and ask her to be his forever, Quinn thinks that this isn't it. This isn't love, this is obligation, and she hates it when the words leave Morgan's mouth.

"Will you marry me?"

So, color her surprised when she responds with a solid, resounding, "Yes."

* * *

Santana calls her her a few weeks later. Santana is back in Lima to attend Rachel's father's funeral because she was the only one out of The Unholy Trinity who could actually make it. Santana resents them for sending her, but she relents because she gets that Rachel's going to need everyone and anyone.

"Hey." Quinn says quietly and quickly. She's in the library trying to finish her summer paper, the one she's already a few pages behind in.

"What the fuck, Fabray?!" Santana exclaims so loud that Quinn winces.

"Jesus, Santana, what's your problem?"

"My problem?" Santana bites out in irritation. "When were you going to tell me that you're fucking engaged?"

Quinn freezes. She hadn't said anything to anyone except for-

"Tina." Quinn answers, like her name is both a gift and a curse.

Santana huffs so loudly that Quinn winces again. "Yeah, Tina, you fucker. You didn't even think to call your so called fucking best friend? That's fucked up, Quinn."

"Santana," Quinn starts before another student shushes her. She grabs her books and computer and carelessly throws them into her bag. She pushes her chair in and sends a glare to the student that shushed her. She's pushing through the doors and into the cold air when she finally returns to the conversation. "It isn't like that."

"Do tell, Quinn, what it's like then. Because from what I can see, it seems like you were purposely withholding information from me." Santana's words are harsh but Quinn can hear her voice waver over the phone. "I mean, fucking Tina? Seriously?"

"Santana, I know you're upset, and I am sorry. But it's not really that big of a deal." Quinn reasons. "Look, can we talk about this later? I know you're supposed to be heading to Rachel's dad's funeral soon."

"Not that big of a deal? God, you've spent so much Goddamn time holding everyone at an arm's length that you've completely forgotten who you can keep close." Santana sounds like she's close to tears and it's alarming that after all these years, it's Quinn who feels like she's breaking her.

Quinn wants to backtrack and start this conversation all over again. She wants to tell Santana that she remembers what it was like to be fourteen and alone before Santana came along. She wants to tell Santana that she feels that way again and she's scared because she doesn't want to end up alone. She wants to do all of those things, but the old Quinn is resurfacing and instead of caving, Quinn attacks with aggression.

"Please, Santana, like we were ever really friends to begin with." Quinn says before she can stop herself. She instantly regrets it, but still says nothing.

Santana chokes out a sob and Quinn suddenly feels like this moment is a lot bigger and meant a lot more than she had thought it did. Santana's breathing even outs and Quinn thinks she's going to forgive Quinn, like Santana always does when they fight.

She doesn't.

"You know what, Quinn? Fuck you."

In the end, all Quinn is left with is a dial tone.

* * *

The ceremony is a few months later in September and it's beautiful. Quinn doesn't invite anyone that she knows because it doesn't seem important. The ceremony is filled from head to toe with Morgan's relatives and Quinn makes sure to check out throughout the whole thing, her thoughts constantly turning to Santana.

The honeymoon is surreal, and everything in-between exceeds Quinn's expectations.

Their lives are literally the spitting image of _perfect._

* * *

Morgan has Quinn move into his house off campus a little after she starts her Sophomore year.

Quinn knows she should be happy. Instead though, she feels nothing. She thinks about New York and Rachel a lot more these days. She thinks about what her marriage is like and if Rachel is happy or if she also feels nothing.

It only takes a couple of months for Quinn to regret her decision. It's the middle of November and she constantly fills her time with thinking about leaving. She has to keep the window open at night to keep herself from feeling like she's suffocating.

It makes her feel guilty that she's having these thoughts because Morgan loves her, he really does. But it's concerning because she sometimes feels like he loves the idea of her more than he actually loves her.

She honestly can't help herself when she thinks about leaving.

It starts with the small things. Morgan always wants to talk about her day, he eats all of her cheerios, he forgets to pick up his socks. When they go out he orders for Quinn and then eats half her meal. He assumes that he knows what she likes instead of actually asking.

It ends with the big things. He goes through her writings because he doesn't understand her distance. He creates a joint account, he puts away pictures from highschool and replaces them with pictures of their wedding. Morgan asks her to join him and events where he was being honored, he asks her to smile and be a trophy just like her mother was.

She holds out for another four months until, worst of all, Morgan asks her to stop being friends with Santana.

He does it because Quinn seems angry whenever Santana's name comes up, he does it because Quinn is oddly defensive over her friendship with Santana, he does it because Quinn doesn't even show this much emotion in their marriage.

It's then that Quinn stops thinking and just starts running. She takes her things and leaves without a goodbye, because really, she doesn't even want to give him that.

She feels guilty, but Quinn's always been pretty good at being selfish.

* * *

For the first time in months she calls Santana. Santana picks up after two rings and that action alone makes Quinn burst into tears.

"Thank god, Quinn, I was days away from calling you." Santana pauses when she hears Quinn sob. "Quinn? What's going on?"

"I made a huge mistake." Quinn gets out in between sobs.

Quinn can almost picture Santana frowning. "Is he gone?"

"Yes."

Santana laughs even though the situation is nothing close to funny. "Good. I love you, Quinn."

Quinn cries even harder. "I know. S, I'm sorry."

"I know."

"I left him, I didn't even leave a letter-I ca-"

Santana cuts her off before she can give another jumbled response. "Quinn, I know, okay? I'll take care of it. My uncle is a lawyer, don't worry about it."

"Thank you."

Santana sighed. "Thank you, Quinn."

* * *

Leaving the Dean's son is difficult. People harass her constantly, Morgan keeps trying to speak with her. Yale becomes more focused on her than they are on her talents and it's everything she never wanted.

She used to love Yale. It used to be her freedom. Now it just feels like a jail.

* * *

Morgan's dad is incessantly harassing her and trying to push her to transfer, all because she couldn't be the prize that his son had wanted. Quinn thinks about it only because she's tired of being Yale's gossip.

She gets an email from Santana about halfway through June.

_The Hobbit and The Giant are getting a divorce. Three cheers for her not having to have sex with that monstrosity anymore!_

That's all the email says, and it's enough for Quinn to make up her mind.

She applies to NYU, cuts off all her ties at Yale, and prepares herself for another era of living.

* * *

She never expected Rachel and Kurt to take her in. Hell, she never even expected to be friends with them. Sometimes life throws you for a loop that makes you feel like you could never have prepared for it.

However weird it is, Quinn honestly can't imagine her life taking another direction.

Kurt decided to throw a massive New Year's Eve party to celebrate...well, whatever he was celebrating. As a consequence, Rachel and Quinn were forced to help decorate.

Quinn frowned in confusion as she accidentally ripped another table decorating thing. "What the-how are you so good at this?"

Rachel looks amused as she expertly opens another table decoration. "You seem to forget the fact that I grew up with two gay dads."

"So?"

Rachel laughs at Quinn's genuine confusion. "Sooo, every reason was enough of a reason to celebrate. Every day was a cause for a party."

Quinn looked over to Rachel, her eyes glazing over. "Your life sounds so glamorous."

Rachel laughs again. "Yes, our Oscar parties were certainly to die for."

* * *

It's hours and a hell of a lot of drunk people later when Kurt finds his way over to Quinn.

"Quinn!" Kurt shouts over the music pumping through their speakers. "I just wanted to say how grateful I am to have you around. I mean, at first I thought you were just a bitch."

Quinn raises an eyebrow, she's amused that Kurt has enough gall to talk to her this way. Things were certainly changing. "Thanks, Kurt."

Kurt holds up his hands in an apology, but it's a little hard considering his left hand is grasping a champagne bottle. "No, I mean, now I know you're a bitch with feelings. So it's cool."

Quinn laughs, her eyes briefly catching Rachel's from across the room. "Again, thanks, Kurt."

Kurt leaned in closer to Quinn, his eyes glazed over and his face red from the alcohol. He leans in so close that if someone were to bump into Quinn, she would practically put her mouth on his face. "I'm not going to lie, Quinn."

"I never thought you were, Kurt." Quinn responds jokingly.

Kurt continues undeterred. "I often wonder what it'd be like to kiss you. You are a very, very, pretty, pretty, lady." Kurt patted Quinn on the head as she tried not to laugh. "It's a shame that I'm gay because this," he gestures in between their bodies, "could have totally happened."

Quinn spends the rest of the night (and the better part of the week) laughing.

* * *

It's weird how fast time flies by when she's actually somewhere she wants to be. It feels like Quinn blinks and time skips right onto Valentine's Day.

Work is dead because everyone seems to under the illusion that if they're seen alone, people will think they're really alone. Quinn doesn't get it, she really doesn't. She doesn't understand what the big deal about Valentine's Day is. It's just a day where people buy generic cards to give to generic people. She'd much rather be at work than be somewhere where she'd have to pretend she actually enjoyed this awful holiday.

She's halfway through her shift when Rachel Berry comes skipping up to her desk. She's wearing an atrocious Christmas sweater and has glow sticks line up her arms. She has a 4th of July pin stuck in her sweater and her headband looks like there's a turkey attached to it.

Quinn can't help it but grin at Rachel's mood. "What brings you here looking like a lost holiday ornament of randomness?"

Rachel rolls her eyes affectionately and places her hands on Quinn's desk. "I am here to help you get up to shenanigans, because that's the whole point of Valentine's Day."

"I'm pretty sure that's not the point of..."Quinn trails off when Rachel sticks up her hand to silence her.

"I have gathered something from every single holiday because, really, why not? And now I'm here to get you. Oh! Wait." Rachel rummaged through the sack she was wearing that Quinn just noticed. She pulled out an awfully large box of chocolates and handed it to Quinn. "For you."

Quinn eyed the box warily. "Why are you giving me chocolates?"

Rachel placed a hand over her heart. "Because life without you is like a broken pencil, pointless."

Quinn laughed at Rachel's cheesy pick-up line. "Seriously, Rach?"

Rachel looked affronted. "What? Everyone needs a Valentine, Quinn. And I'm going to show you why."

Quinn rolled her eyes. She knew Rachel meant well, but she honestly wasn't interested. "Rach, I have work."

"Are you a dictionary? Because you add meaning in my life."

Quinn felt her face flush in embarrassment. "Rachel."

"If you held up eleven roses into a mirror, you'd be looking at twelve of the most beautiful things in the world." Rachel said seriously.

Quinn bristled, her emotions telling her to cave. She could tell this was a losing battle already, but never the type to back down, she pushed forward. "You totally researched pick-up lines, didn't you?"

Rachel grinned, her eyes lighting up at Quinn's words. She lifted her arm and flexed her muscles. "Perhaps. I've also been lifting weights, just in case."

Quinn looked over Rachel's shoulder at the student that just walked in. When it was clear that he didn't need help, she focused her attention back on Rachel. "Just in case of what?"

"Just in case I have to carry you out of here."

Quinn started laughing before her laughs quickly turned into a frown. "Oh my God, you're serious, aren't you?"

Rachel shrugged. "Well, you've got to be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day."

Quinn glared at Rachel's shenanigans. "Seriously, Rachel, I can't leave."

Rachel raised her eyebrows, a smirk gracing her lips. "Very well, have it your way."

Quinn is about to ask what Rachel means when Rachel walks around Quinn's desk, pulls her into a standing position, and then very quickly and efficiently, lifts Quinn over her shoulder.

"Rachel!" Quinn exclaimed, completely ignoring the volume rules. "Put me down this instant!"

Rachel walked with a purpose and quickly pushed through the double doors. "No can do, my lady, our picnic and viewing of The Last Unicorn awaits."

Quinn stared at Rachel's back as she tried to wriggle out of Rachel's grasp, but Rachel has the strength of a freaking iron giant, so Quinn tires quickly. It's an unfair fight because Quinn doesn't have the stamina she used to, not since the accident.

Quinn fumes but it's to no avail because Rachel can't actually see her. "I'm not afraid to yell rape, Rachel!"

Quinn can feel Rachel scoff. "Please, Quinn, you're twice my size and holding on to my hips as if they're going to birth your first born child." Quinn quickly lets go of Rachel, her face flushing again. "If anyone is raping anyone, it'd be you violating me."

"You honestly have no boundaries, do you?"

"Some would call that charm."

Quinn wriggled again pointlessly. "I'm sure it's every girls dream to be kidnapped on Valentine's Day."

Rachel swats Quinn's butt playfully. "Don't be silly, Quinn. It's not every girls dream."

Quinn puffed out her cheeks. "This is embarrassing."

"Oh Quinn, that's cute. You actually think this is the most embarrassing thing you are going to experience today."

Quinn lifted her head and recognized the street corner they were on. By her count, if they were heading to Central Park, they were at least thirteen blocks away. She sighed in defeat as Rachel tightened her grip. A part of her swelled at the idea of being Rachel's valentine (even if it was jokingly), but that part was quickly swatted down by the part of her that wasn't willing to accept what that meant.

"Hi ho, hi ho, off to a forced friend picnic date we go."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **_So, I know I said that there would be three parts, but it looks like there's going to be four. I do apologize but this didn't all fit into one and I didn't feel like the story would work with cutting anything out. That being said, WOW, you guys really are the best. You encourage me and make me want to continue writing this story. If I'm being honest, this is probably the story (and part) that I'm most proud of. It's the most like me, in a sense. I love all of your reviews and favorites and follows, please know that I'm continually grateful and always will be. SO, I never really feel comfortable writing sexy time scenes, but this happened. So let me know what you think! Anyway, without further ado, here's this guy!_

* * *

**You're Drowning, You're Drowning, You're Drowning**

**(I Love Bad Bitches That's My Fuckin' Problem)**

When Rachel Berry was seven years old her fathers threw her her very first surprise party.

Well, surprise was a relative term considering the fact that Rachel had all but demanded they throw her a surprise party. In retrospect, the lists upon lists of demands (not requests because at that age Rachel Berry didn't know how to do anything except demand attention) seem selfish and spoiled. At the time though, it had all just made a great deal of sense.

Rachel had spoken for months about how she wanted her fathers to throw her a party and how it was just going to be the greatest thing to happen to her seven year old self. Her fathers were hesitant (for reasons she understands now, but reasons she couldn't grasp then) to do such a thing for her. In the end, their devotion to her won out.

Sometimes Rachel wishes she hadn't been so headstrong, but she concedes that if she hadn't of been that girl she would have never ever learned that lesson.

Anyway.

Her fathers had given into almost every one of her demands. They hired a small petting zoo, inflatable bouncies, stocked their kitchen with every possible food that a child could want. They made calls and extended favors, they bended over backwards to make Rachel's dream come true.

The day came and Rachel couldn't contain her excitement. She knew in her heart that this could be the very day that the kids stop looking at her like she's an animal on display, this could be the day that the rest of Lima would finally start to see her like her fathers did.

She carried an extra bounce in her step and when it came time for the other kids to arrive, but she couldn't seem too eager, not today. So Rachel pretended to be occupied with decorations. She pretended not to notice when it was two, two thirty, three, and so on. She pretended not to notice that time was carrying on and people still weren't showing up.

It wasn't until it hit seven pm that Rachel finally caved. Her fathers had sent the performers home, put all of the food away, and took down all of the toys. They were crying and apologizing to Rachel because it was "their fault". How it was their fault, Rachel didn't know. They didn't make the kids choose to not attend, they didn't push for her to spend her birthday alone.

No, the kids made a choice that her fathers held no power over, and they didn't choose her. She pretended not to be devastated for her both of her fathers sakes, but inside she was torn apart. She felt completely demolished and heartbroken.

That's when Rachel Berry learned that you shouldn't always get what you want.

* * *

After the Valentine's Day fiasco (where Rachel could only actually carry Quinn for seven blocks before almost passing out) something had changed with Quinn. Rachel noticed that it wasn't anything serious or noteworthy, it was just in the simple things. Quinn seemed less withdrawn and more forthcoming. Quinn was no longer hesitant to voice her opinions to Rachel and she often had no qualms about snuggling up to Rachel late at night.

It wasn't different, it was just better.

* * *

The weeks come and go and before Rachel knows it, she's coming up on Quinn's birthday.

It seems silly because a year ago she would have never pictured that she'd be spending her days wracking her brain for the perfect gift. Let alone the perfect gift for Quinn Fabray. But, alas, here she is anyway.

Kurt tells her that she's overreacting. He tells her that Quinn doesn't care, that there's no unspoken rule about buying your one-time-frenemy a birthday gift.

Rachel gets it. She really, really, gets it. She knows she doesn't have to buy Quinn anything, but that isn't the point. The point is that she wants to. The point is that she can't shake the feeling that this moment is important.

"Rachel," Kurt starts, his tone exasperated as if he's been at this conversation for hours. "You think every moment is important."

"Yes, but-" Rachel runs her hand over her face in irritation. "This moment feels...monumental, Kurt. It feels like a monumental moment for our relationship, like it could make or break us."

"Friendship."

Rachel looks at Kurt, confusion crossing her face. "What?"

Kurt grabs an orange from the fruit bowl that they've put in the middle of their somewhat kitchen table. He usually makes a point when wearing any white of steering away from any fruit that could ruin his ensemble. But today he's already a lot more exhausted than he wants to be, so he grabs the fruit and starts peeling it to vent his frustration. "You said relationship."

"Oh." Rachel answered, awareness settling into her features. "That's what I meant."

Kurt looks at her like he doesn't believe her one bit, but he's her best friend and he knows when to pick his battles. "Okay."

* * *

In the end, Rachel finds the perfect gift two days before Quinn's birthday.

She's on her way to another audition and she's mentally preparing herself for the role (if she gets it) and the rejection (if she doesn't).

It's harder than she tells people, to be rejected on an almost weekly basis. To never quite be what someone needs or what someone is looking for. It's hard to be a tiny fish in a whole sea full of talent. Oh, and sharks.

She's not cutthroat enough to succeed. At least, not in _that_ way. So she has to rely on her talent and unfortunately it's often not good enough. She likes to think that she'll make it one day (the same way she used to think that she and Finn would make it someday) but some days she's not so sure anymore.

Anyway, she's on her way to another audition when she spots it. She's practically running to get there on time when she turns her head and spots the perfect gift in the display window.

Rachel runs in and buys the gift with her leftover check money. She'll probably have to work twice as many shifts at the bakery to get that money back, and she's already too late to show up to the audition.

It doesn't matter though, not really, because she's found something that finally feels like enough.

* * *

**Step One: Give Quinn her gift.**

**Step Two: Quinn cries with joy.**

**Step Three: Rachel is listed as the best friend to ever ever exist.**

At least, that's how Rachel wants everything to happen. But as she's learned early on, life has a funny way of doing what you want it to. In the sense that it doesn't.

* * *

Quinn looks at Rachel as if a bear suddenly grew in the place of her head and Rachel almost regrets her hasty decision. _Almost._

"You bought me a signed copy of _The Perks of Being a Wallflower_?!" Quinn exclaims, as if she can't believe it's real. Quinn looks at Rachel again and Rachel feels her heart catch in her throat. Kurt is in the kitchen pretending like he can't hear everything that's happening, and Rachel wishes that for once, Kurt would just stick to being nosy.

Rachel swallows, her cheeks flaming in shame (or embarrassment). "Well, yeah." She answers because she feels a little dumb and there's really nothing else she can say.

Quinn looks bewildered. She exams the book closely for a few minutes before turning back to Rachel. "Rach, this must have cost you a fortune."

Rachel blushes, for different reasons this time, and looks away. "Not really, I mean...maybe?"

Quinn scoots closer to Rachel on the couch and it takes almost all of Rachel's willpower to not run away. Quinn leans into Rachel until she's so close that Kurt won't be able to hear what they're saying. Quinn's close enough to Rachel that Rachel can count all of the freckles on Quinn's face. Quinn is in her lazy sweatpants and Yale sweater, her hair pulled into a loose ponytail, and it hits Rachel that Quinn is always _beautiful_. Even when she isn't trying.

"Rachel, you didn't have to do this." Quinn answers. She almost looks bashful when she smiles at Rachel. It makes Rachel's stomach sink in a way that she doesn't really like or want to think about.

Rachel thinks about all the things she could say, and settles on the honest answer. "I know, but I wanted to."

The way Quinn looks at her is almost devastating. She looks so genuinely surprised that someone (anyone) could willingly want to do something for her, that Rachel has to stop herself from pulling Quinn into a hug. Quinn smiles, her eyes watering and her face soft. "God, Rachel, I just-" Quinn looks away and Rachel gets it because the moment almost feels like it's too much. "I-I love you."

Rachel isn't particularly fond of the way her heart almost literally skips a beat.

She doesn't understand what's happening or what's changing inside of her, but Rachel can already tell that she isn't going to like it. This isn't something that she wants and yet, it's happening anyway.

Rachel doesn't say anything because she _won't,_ not because she _can't,_ and it's a relief when Kurt wanders over with a bowl of popcorn in his hands and a weird look on his face. He looks between them as if he really wants to say something. He doesn't, though, because even Kurt can sense when it isn't appropriate timing.

"Sooo," Kurt says awkwardly as he shuffles from one foot to the other. "Who's ready to be terrified?"

Rachel knows that Kurt is referring to the horror movies that Quinn asked them to rent for her birthday, but it doesn't stop her from answering. "I already am."

It's terrible because it's honest.

* * *

The months trickle by and Rachel finds herself unconsciously noticing things that she never did before.

Like, how Quinn always forgets to close the cereal box after she's done eating. Or how Quinn sings in the shower (quietly, but it's still there). Rachel notices how Quinn dances when she thinks nobody is looking (like she's terrified of being caught or self conscious of her moves because of the accident) and how she only ever seems really at peace when she's sleeping or working at the library.

Rachel notices how Quinn smiles at her like Rachel's the only person that matters.

It's sickening and disgusting because she doesn't want to notice any of these things, she doesn't want her heart to swell every time Quinn tangles her fingers in Rachel's. She doesn't want to see Kurt stare at her like he's always ready to say something, but he's waiting for Rachel to acknowledge it.

She won't though, because Rachel refuses to acknowledge that this is anything other than admiration for a friend. She won't be the girl who turns this friendship into something weird. She won't be Man Hands or Treasure Trail, she won't be the girl who turned out just like her fathers.

So Rachel does what she's always done. She grits her teeth, buckles down, and tries to work through it.

* * *

It isn't easy, not really. If anything, it gets _harder._

It's difficult for Rachel to not notice Quinn, and even more difficult for Rachel to not love her. She hates herself because this isn't fair. Quinn is the first friend she's had in awhile who wasn't gay or at NYADA. She doesn't get _it_ and she honestly doesn't want to.

She doesn't want to be around Quinn, either, but that's something that Rachel just can't seem to stop.

So she doesn't.

* * *

Before she knows it, it's her Junior graduation.

It's the dumbest thing to celebrate, but celebrate she does.

It's weird to see how far she's come in two years. It's weird to look out into the stands and see only Quinn (because Quinn was the only one to show). Rachel had played it off to her dad as if today wasn't that important because she knew what today was. It didn't feel right to ask her dad to celebrate her on the day he had lost her daddy. So Rachel tells him it's not important and tells him to not worry about it. She says the same thing to Quinn because, honestly, Rachel doesn't know how to ask for anything anymore.

Quinn shows up, anyway, because she knows. She's always known.

Rachel tries not to let her imagination wander off when Quinn pulls her into a tight hug. She has to pull away quickly because Quinn's perfume is making Rachel feel light headed and she honestly can't handle it today.

She pulls away and smiles at Quinn. "You came."

Quinn is in her librarian outfit and she's wincing. She doesn't have her cane with her, which means that she probably ran from work to make it here in time. Rachel wants to chastise her but can't, because she's too busy loving her. Quinn smiles and places her hand on her hip. "Of course I did, you idiot."

It's the sort-of thing that would have offended Rachel back in high school, but now it has her smiling. "I love you." Rachel freezes because the words had honestly just slipped out.

Quinn tilts her head to the side and squints. "No shit, I just ran, like, massive miles for you."

It's such an offhand comment that Rachel relaxes. "Yeah, well, you obviously need the exercise."

Quinn pouts but it's clear that she's amused. "Jerk."

"They let you into Yale with that mouth?" Rachel asks, her voice teasing. This is easy, the bickering, it always has been. This-Rachel doesn't have to dwell on it or try, this is natural.

Quinn rolls her eyes affectionately and pulls Rachel into another hug. She holds on tighter when Rachel tries to pull away again and moves her mouth closer to Rachel's ear. "I love you, too, dumbass."

It's everything and nothing all at once.

* * *

It's a week after Rachel's Junior graduation and the last day of Quinn's junior year at Yale when Rachel feels her heart leave her body and everything in between.

She's sitting on their bed (it isn't right to call it hers anymore) trying to solve the Sudoku puzzle from The New York Times. She doesn't have to work until three and since her body is accustomed to waking up at an outrageous hour, Rachel just lets herself wake up and entertains herself with the daily puzzles.

Except, this one was rated a five and it was taking Rachel a lot longer than she would have liked to solve it. She's so focused that she doesn't move when Quinn goes to shower, even though she usually does. She's captivated by this difficult puzzle, the pen in her mouth, and her eyebrows furrowed together in concentration, when Quinn wanders back into the bedroom in just a towel.

Rachel looks up in excitement, ready and willing to tell Quinn how she's _almost_ figured this bastardly thing out, when Rachel spots Quinn (completely unaware) in her towel and Rachel feels her mouth go dry. She knows why, she _knows_, but she can't say anything and can't acknowledge it. Acknowledging things gives them too much power and Rachel can't feel powerless again.

She's caught-literally- in between a rock and a hard place and even though she tries to voice a sound to let Quinn know she's there, nothing actually comes out. Rachel's has half a mind to bolt out of the room when Quinn (who is clearly unaware, seriously) takes the edge of her towel and just _drops it._

Rachel almost passes out from the sight. She's always known that Quinn was beautiful, she's seen first hand the type of beauty that Quinn has-on the inside as well as on the inside. But this? This was a whole other level of beauty. Rachel felt her cheeks flush as she took in Quinn's backside. She started at the shoulders, which were the softest white that Rachel could have ever seen. Whoever said white wasn't a color had clearly never seen Quinn. Rachel let her gaze wander down to the few beauty marks that graced Quinn's back in an odd array, as if she were God's own personal puzzle. Rachel let her eyes lower to the thin, red, angry scars. They were the only things that stood out as imperfect on Quinn, and Rachel felt her heart sink.

They were scars from the accident-from the surgeries that Quinn had to endure just so she could walk again. Even though Quinn had told her countless times (during and after high school) to not feel guilty, that it was Quinn's fault for even looking, Rachel still felt guilty. She felt horrible and horrified and awful all at once. She changed Quinn's destiny and sometimes Rachel wondered if that was a good thing or not.

Anyway, she let's her gaze quickly move past the scars, not content with staring at them for longer than necessary. Her puzzle is in her lap, completely forgotten, when Rachel's gaze finally lands on the one thing it's been heading towards. It's _weird_, honestly, to be staring at Quinn's butt so intently because she had could barely even stand seeing Finn naked and now she was staring appreciatively at Quinn's behind? It was too much and it made Rachel's head spin, but she still couldn't look away. She wanted to touch something so precious, so beautiful, and immediately the thought burned her. Rachel felt what could only be described as a whine and a whimper leave her mouth in the most unattractive fashion, and she instantly regrets it.

Everything after that happens quickly and all at once.

Quinn turns around in a panic and Rachel (terrified that she'll see something else she really shouldn't) snaps her hands over her eyes. She hears a thump because she really can't see it but she refuses to move her hands under any circumstances.

"Quinn? Are you okay?"

There's scuffling and an even louder crash that has Rachel jumping off of the bed, one of her hands over her eyes and the other reaching out hesitantly.

"No, Rachel, don't-God, I fucking fell."

Rachel frowns as she almost slips on a little bit of wet water. In retrospect, hardwood floors seems a little irrational and unneeded, but _whatever_. "Quinn?" Rachel practically shouts in a panic, she knows how fragile Quinn's back is still and she's worried that Quinn could have hurt herself.

"I'm fine, Rachel. Just stop-stop moving or uncover your eyes, please. Before you hurt yourself." Rachel hears Quinn say from somewhere below her.

It's too late, Rachel thinks, at the same time that her foot finds another puddle. She's falling before she can even think about it (and Rachel almost laughs at how life sometimes imitates itself) and sticking her free hand out to catch herself, to no avail.

Rachel lands with a thump onto something soft, it breaks her fall at the same time as it breaks her. She hears a "whoosh" from directly below her and Rachel practically scrambles off of the body below her. She uses her free hand to try and push herself up but it just makes things more difficult.

"Rach, stop, that's my-" Quinn is cut off by Rachel pushing down on her body to get up again, but it's okay, because Rachel honestly knows what it was that she was touching and she honestly needs to get herself away quickly before she unconsciously latches on and never lets go.

Rachel grabs onto anything that will help her get out of the room unscathed-well, less unscathed, and almost sighs with relief when she finally finds the door handle. She pulls on it without another word and doesn't release the breath that she's been holding until she's on the other side. Rachel finally lowers the hand that's over her eyes and squints at all the light coming through their living room window. When her eyes finally refocus, she spots Kurt sitting at the table, a spoon halfway to his mouth and his eyes staring at Rachel curiously.

"What?" Rachel snaps, her face showing her irritation.

Kurt's eyes widen in surprise. He knows what he should be asking but it's clear that Rachel isn't in the mood for interrogation. Still, he can't stop the snarky response that leaves his mouth because this situation is just _too good._ "If only we could go back six years and tell Finn Hudson that you'll see Quinn Fabray naked before he ever will, maybe he'd get those three years of high school back."

Kurt ducks as a shoe comes flying across the living room. Kurt laughs as the shoe hits his cereal. "Oh, come on, Rachel. Quit letting your emotions run naked and free, mask those things with some emotional clothing."

This time Kurt doesn't duck in time when the shoe comes sailing across the living room. Still, he doesn't regret any of it, even when the shoe connects with his face.

* * *

After the shower incident (as they had taken to calling it) everything had only seemed to grow inside of Rachel. She starts doing the things she used to do to impress Finn, she starts limiting her time for just Quinn, she starts letting her emotions run wild.

It's stupid and dumb because Quinn only sees Rachel as a friend, and God, Rachel sees her as everything else.

She doesn't know why or how it happens, but Rachel feels herself fall in love. It's unwarranted and unwanted, and yet, it still happens.

It's not something that just happens, or something that takes time. It just-she was going along in life loving Quinn and then one day, she was just in love with Quinn, with everything. She '_fell in love the way the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.' _

That quote kills her because even that came from Quinn and the stupid book she reads to Rachel sometimes. God, she hates herself so much for falling into this position. She doesn't want to be in love with Quinn, she doesn't even want to love Quinn, but love is stupid (like her) and it likes to hit you when you're not ready. She doesn't want to love Quinn but she can't not love Quinn, so Rachel finds herself stuck in this stupid loop of emotions.

Her days are constantly made or broken by Quinn and if Kurt notices (which Rachel is certain that he does) he doesn't say anything, at least, not yet. Rachel doesn't understand why this is happening, why it was her destiny to marry and divorce her high school sweetheart only to fall for her high school enemy.

Quinn, for her own part, doesn't even notice the subtle change. She just thinks that Rachel is being Rachel, that her kindness is something that she gives to everyone and anyone, and it _infuriates _Rachel.

It infuriates her that Quinn can't see how she feels, it infuriates her that Quinn won't feel the same way back, it infuriates her that Quinn is so unbelievably Quinn that it breaks Rachel's heart and puts it back together again all at once.

Her anger is constantly boiling and just there. Rachel ignores it most days because there's nothing she can do, there's nothing Quinn is technically doing wrong (if you exclude just existing).

She's become codependent in the worst way, and she hates herself for it.

* * *

Before she knows it, Rachel gets into a certain pattern.

She becomes accustomed to her feelings for Quinn. Even more so, she grows accustomed to pushing them away. She almost lets herself believe that she could continue doing this for forever. But then three months pass and it's September and Rachel just feels so exhausted.

She's tired of pretending like she doesn't feel something there, she's tired of all of it.

But having some of Quinn is better than not having any of her, so Rachel pushes on, hoping that eventually her stupid heart will get with the program.

* * *

She's halfway through September when Kurt sits her down. She's working on her Senior presentation as well as studying for a list of auditions that she has next week when he sits down next to her, a stern expression on his face.

Quinn is off at work and even though Rachel had to fight the urge to go visit her, she knows that this is the better decision. She has so much work and she can see Quinn later. Plus, if she finishes early, she could still make it on time to walk Quinn home. Rachel ignores how her heart flutters at the idea.

Kurt stares at her for so long that Rachel literally has to pull herself away from her papers. "What?"

Kurt shrugs. He has his own Senior presentation to work on and Rachel knows that he's exhausted, so she doesn't understand why he's sitting next to her as if this is an important moment in time. He's wearing sweatpants for crying out loud! Kurt never wears sweatpants. "You tell me, Rach."

Rachel rolls her eyes. She's working off of four hours of sleep and this isn't really what she needs right now. She makes sure to bite out her next few words. "Seriously, Kurt, I don't have the time for this. I ne-"

"_I love bad bitches, that's my fucking problem_

_And yeah I like to fuck, I got a fucking problem_

_I love bad bitches,_ _that's my fucking problem_

_And yeah I like to fuck I got a fucking problem_"

Rachel turns her attention to Kurt's phone, completely sidetracked by the ridiculous ringtone filtering through his speakers. She points to his phone, genuinely curious. "Aren't you going to get that?"

Kurt waves it off as if it's unimportant instead of surprising. "It's fine. It's just Santana."

"What?!" Rachel all but yells. Nevermind the fact that Kurt and Santana practically hate each other, Rachel was completely unaware that they were even communicating.

Kurt sighs, as if he expected this response. "Yes, well, Santana and I have been communicating for a while."

"How long is a while?"

Kurt shrugs, his time line never really accurate. "I believe since the naked incident."

Rachel feels herself flame, not from embarrassment, but from the fact that the images from that day automatically flitter through her mind. "That was months ago, Kurt."

"Yeah...well, it was an emergency."

Rachel stops all movement and stares at Kurt. She asks the question even though she's dreading the answer. "How so?"

Kurt licks his lips, his eyes squinting in concentration. It was clear that Rachel wasn't going to give up this conversation easily. "Rachel. You're entering the lions den. In fact, you've been there for months."

Rachel feels her face fall at being caught. It's both relieving and terrifying. "I-I-"

Kurt holds up his hand to silence her. He isn't in the mood to dance around the thing they've been dancing around for so long. "Rach, it's the elephant in the room, okay? I wasn't going to say anything because you didn't seem ready, but Rachel, it can't keep going on."

Rachel floundered. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Kurt sighed, his hand pushing his hair back out of reflex. "Quinn knows."

Rachel freezes and she feels her heart drop. "What?"

"Well, she doesn't know completely, but she has a feeling. She talked to Santana about it."

"She did?" Rachel asked meekly, all pleasantries and pretenses gone.

Kurt smiled softly. "Yeah. Rachel, she loves you, but you got her a present that cost you eleven hundred dollars. Things like that...gestures like that aren't the gestures that happen between friends."

"She hasn't said anything."

"She doesn't want to because, well, Santana says because she loves you too much as a friend, but I see past it."

Rachel shifts her attention back down to her papers, her face blazing with shame and embarrassment and a whole lot of anger. "How so?"

Kurt leans into Rachel even though they're the only two people in the apartment. He puts his hand underneath her chin and tilts her face towards his. "Because I know better. Rach, she isn't-she's not where you are, exactly. But there's something there. She loves you, yes, but there's more."

"Kurt," Rachel started before hesitating. This conversation was dangerous on so many levels. "What are you trying to say?"

Kurt shrugged again and leaned back into his chair. Rachel was his best friend and he owed it to her to be honest about everything. "I'm saying that if you're in the lions den, you're not alone."

* * *

Rachel didn't want to hold hope in Kurt's words, but it was practically impossible, especially for something that she's wanted for so long.

Rachel feels herself become giddy over the next two weeks and she starts becoming hyper aware. She notices things, she notices how Quinn blushes when Rachel compliments her or how she doesn't pull away from Rachel's touch, how she embraces it instead.

It isn't much, but it's enough to hope.

* * *

It's nearing Winter Vacation when Quinn does something that nobody saw coming.

She meets a boy at the library. Grant is his name, and she brings him home. She introduces him to Rachel and he tries to be charming, but all Rachel can feel is defeated. He's handsome and practically a make version of Quinn. It's clear that he's smitten with her and Rachel hates him for it.

That hate turns into something even more vile when she walks into the living room and spots them kissing softly on the couch. Kurt literally has to wrap his arms around her to restrain her and prevent her from strangling the boy.

Quinn wasn't his to touch, she wasn't his to have.

* * *

It's too late to change her plans for Thanksgiving, so she's stuck.

Kurt is heading to Mexico with Blaine and his dad and Santana is busy spending her time off with Brittany (like always). She had already purchased the tickets to go home with Quinn, and she can't get a refund. She already has the time off from work and she literally has nothing holding her to New York.

Plus, Quinn would be suspicious, and while Rachel is growing massively resentful towards Quinn, she still can't disappoint her.

So that's how Rachel finds herself sitting at the Fabray's dinner table for Thanksgiving. It's awkward and stiff and formal, and it becomes completely clear to Rachel why Quinn had practically begged her to come back to Lima with her for the vacation.

Rachel was wary before, but she knows now that that she was right to be so. The Fabray's are like a beautiful picture. They photograph well and their smiles seem rehearsed, but if you look closer, you can see the picture fading. You can see the places where the lighting didn't quite hit and the places where the photographer couldn't succeed at making the photo appear warm.

It's a miracle that Quinn even made it out of such a place, and in a random moment, Rachel understands a bit of why Quinn is the way that she is.

She's forcing her way through dinner with barely a glance at Quinn. She's hardly spoken to Quinn the whole entire way here and Rachel knows that Quinn is curious as to what's wrong. She kept trying to start a conversation only to be shut down by Rachel.

Rachel still wasn't over Grant. She still couldn't look at Quinn without seeing _him_ and it disgusted her.

"So, Quinn," Russell starts, his hair line almost as thin as his smile. "Do you feel satisfied with your decision to leave such a school such as Yale only to settle for NYU?"

Rachel can feel Quinn tense next to her and Rachel automatically focuses her eyes on her plate.

"NYU is a good school, Daddy." Quinn practically whispers.

Russell snorts and Judy just pours herself another glass of wine. "It's certainly no Yale."

Quinn sighs, all soft and unwarranted, and Rachel feels a bit of her anger cave. "I'm double majoring at NYU, Daddy."

"Damn right, you are."

Quinn doesn't say anything and Rachel gets the impression that that's the best way to handle a man like him. Rachel doesn't say anything because Quinn said that she still needed her father to pay for the rest of her schooling, so this appearance was necessary, even if she didn't want to be there.

"What about you? What school do you go to, Rachel?"

Rachel snaps her head up and meets Russell's gaze. "Uh, me?"

Quinn's father raises an eyebrow. "Well, your name is Rachel, isn't it?"

Quinn places a hand on Rachel's elbow only to have Rachel shrug it off. She doesn't need Quinn's touch to burn her along with Russell's words. "I attend NYADA, sir."

Russell nods as if everything in life finally made sense. His expression is haughty and his posture is undeserved, Rachel almost bristles. "Ah, you're one of those artist types."

It takes all of the will power in Rachel to not throttle the man at the dinner table. It doesn't stop her from picturing herself stabbing him with her fork repeatedly, however.

* * *

They pull into Breadsticks (because it's now also a bar, apparently, and it's the only place that's open on Thanksgiving) a few hours later and Rachel breathes a sigh of relief. At this point, she'd much rather be drunk.

She gets out of the car and is about to head into Breadsticks when Quinn grabs her arm. "Rachel, I'm sorry about that, okay? I-I shouldn't have let him speak to you like that. It's just-I need the money."

Rachel pulls away from Quinn with such force that it surprises her. But she's too angry to turn back the clock now. "Yeah, because why would you ever stand up for something that you want?"

Quinn frowns in frustration. "What the hell does that mean?"

"Nothing."

Rachel wishes that were true.

* * *

The drinks soothe her mind and place a band aid over her heart. It makes it easier to look at Quinn, and even more easier to sit with her. Quinn doesn't mention anything about Rachel's outburst from outside and Rachel's a little grateful. She understands that she's been acting like a bitch lately, but she's going crazy and the only way it seems to come out is through anger.

She's on her fifth drink and trying to ignore the awful karaoke when Quinn finally speaks to her. "Rachel...why didn't you just go home?"

Rachel sighs because she knows that she's going to be honest. There really isn't anything other than that to be with Quinn, and she hates that, too. "Because I couldn't-I can't see my father. Not since my daddy died. Death is something that blindsided me. I never saw it coming, I wasn't prepared, and I almost didn't recover from it."

Quinn looks startled, as if she never expected Rachel to be so real. It's funny that after all these years, Rachel could still surprise her. She orders another drink fro Rachel after noticing that her glass was empty again. It seems like a bad idea, but honestly, the best way to remember Lima is under the influence. "But you did."

Rachel barks out what Quinn can only call laughter. "Sure."

Quinn feels her heart ache and she literally wants to reach out and touch Rachel, just to make sure she's real. She wants to ask Rachel why she's been distant with Quinn, she wants to ask Rachel what she did wrong and how she can make it better. But want is something Quinn has never been good at dealing with, so she ignores it.

She's terrified because she loves Rachel and horrified because she loves Rachel.

At some point, in between childhood and adolescence, there was a disconnect for Quinn. Being affectionate, caring, loving things...those all became incredibly hard for her.

It's hard, sometimes, to love people. Especially for her. She didn't love easily, not ever. And when she did love? Well, when she did, she always felt like her body was betraying her. Quinn always felt like it was some cruel joke.

Love was cruel. Love made people weak. Love ruined people.

She couldn't remember how to do it, and a part of her didn't want to.

But then Rachel came along and shifted everything, she was always changing everything for Quinn. Rachel came along and made Quinn want to try, she just didn't know how.

"My sisters pregnant." Quinn blurted out as if it was the answer to everything they had been dealing with all night.

Rachel looks at her bewildered, and she should be. Rachel's halfway through her sixth drink and tired of all the effort she's been putting into everything, so she lets Quinn's comment slide. "Okay, and?"

Quinn bounces her knees up and down on the stool, her nerves as jumbled as her legs. "I didn't just come home for the money, okay?" Rachel looks at Quinn confused so Quinn continues. "Charlotte's pregnant and I-I just, God. I hate children."

Rachel looks less surprised by this tidbit of information, so Quinn sighs and decides to continue. "I know it sounds horrible, but I hate them, okay? I hate the unconditional love they never have to expect, the love they just automatically receive. I hate how people tear themselves apart and sacrifice their well being for kids who can never be grateful because they don't know how to be. I hate how people forget about everything and anything else in favor of a child who isn't even trying."

Rachel frowns as realization dawns on her face. She's ordering her seventh drink and everything feels a little looser, a little more okay. "You don't want them to replace you."

Quinn deflates, literally and figuratively by how accurate Rachel is (how accurate she's always been). "They already have. They're taking Charlotte back in and paying for everything she needs. I just-I just wanted them to remember that I exist, too."

Rachel thanks the bartender for her drink and is about to take a sip before thinking better of it. She pushes it to Quinn because it's stronger and Quinn has always needed strength. Rachel feels herself fall a little deeper when Quinn takes the drink without hesitation. It's taken this long for Quinn to unwittingly trust her and it almost makes Rachel's kiss her. She's a little too drunk for that though, so Rachel does the next best thing. "Drink up, Quinn, because we're about to school these small towners on what good karaoke sounds like."

Rachel pretends like her heart doesn't sing when Quinn laughs in response.

* * *

Rachel is drunk.

She is most certainly, fall on her ass, embarrassingly drunk, and boy does it feel _great._ For once she's not thinking about anything besides putting one foot in front of the other, and it's a huge relief.

She's stumbling behind Quinn because the bartender made them walk back to Quinn's (since they were so far gone). Rachel would have been pissed if she were sober, and if Lima wasn't quite possibly the smallest town known to mankind.

It literally takes them thirteen minutes to get to Quinn's house, and that's including the four minutes it took Rachel to pee behind a tree. She's happy and light hearted and not at all worried when Quinn tells shushes her to be quiet as they traipse downstairs.

She almost trips down the last three, but at this point it's more hilarious than it is embarrassing. Quinn catches her and then pushes her onto the couch. Quinn shuts the door while Rachel makes it a point to remove her jacket. It suddenly got very, very hot in here.

Quinn falls down next to Rachel so gracefully that Rachel would have sworn she was an angel. Quinn looks like an angel pretty much all of the time, perhaps she was one. She's about to voice it when the thought completely slips her mind, so instead she leans her head on Quinn's shoulder.

"I don't like Grant." Is what comes out after five minutes of thinking. It could have been worse, at least it made sense.

Quinn doesn't tense, she just starts brushing her fingers through Rachel's hair. "Is that why you've been mad at me?"

Rachel shrugs because she doesn't want to be honest, it hurts too much. "Maybe."

Quinn pulls away from Rachel and grabs her shoulders so that Rachel's head doesn't loll left and right. "Rachel, I like Grant, okay?"

Rachel pulls away and frowns. She feels childish, but it also feels right. "No!"

Quinn grabs Rachel again and pulls her closer. "Rachel." Quinn says sternly. "I like Grant, but I love you. You don't have to worry, okay?"

It's not an admission of love, but it's the closest thing Rachel has gotten in so many months, so she lets her eyes fall closed and she lets a few tears escape. "Quinn?"

Quinn pulls Rachel into her and starts stroking the back of Rachel's head. "Yeah, baby?"

The word choice is confusing and it's what destroys Rachel in the end. She's too drunk to pull everything back in, she's too far gone to realize what she was doing. She's too caught up in Quinn to care. Rachel pulls back and opens her eyes, her decision made.

"You're beautiful." Is all she says before pushing her lips onto Quinn's. It takes a second before Quinn shoves her away, confused and startled. "Rachel. You don't like me."

Rachel leans back in only to have Quinn dodge her. "I know."

Quinn shakes her head, her hand pressing on Rachel's heart. "You _can't_ like me."

"I know." Rachel says as Quinn dodges another kiss.

"_I_ can't like _you_." Quinn whispered. It sounded like she was telling Rachel a secret, but Rachel knows better, secrets aren't told in whispers, they're only known in silence. Secrets grow in whispers though, they grow into vile things that have the ability to take all of your heart.

It's too late though because Quinn has already taken Rachel's heart, and Rachel was finally willing to take hers. _I know_ is all Rachel whispers right before her lips finally touch Quinn's again.

It doesn't feel magical, it doesn't make Rachel see fireworks. If anything, the kiss is sloppy and incredibly wet. If anything, Rachel really only feels drunk. Still, the kiss sates a hunger that Rachel didn't even know that she had and before she knows it, her hands are behind Quinn's head and Quinn's hands are running up and down her sides.

Rachel tilts her head a little to the right so that she can get better access and she feels Quinn pushing her down, so Rachel does it, pulling Quinn down on top of her. Quinn places one knee on either side of Rachel's legs and Rachel feels herself become greedy with want.

She wants to touch everything Grant couldn't and she wants to taste everything Grant won't.

A part of her knows that this isn't where this should happen, Rachel knows that Quinn deserves better. Honestly, Rachel wants to give her that, but she's too...(well, horny) to stop herself. Rachel pushes Quinn's cardigan off until she's just in her summer dress (because it's always ridiculously hot in Lima). She runs her hands down Quinn's bare arms and almost shivers when Quinn lets out a tiny moan.

She hears the course of the Taylor Swift song go off in her head and ignores it. This moment is here and Rachel's going to take advantage of it because she can, even if it's wrong. In a quickness that surprises a drunk Rachel, she runs her right hand across Quinn's right thigh, slipping past her underwear, and inserts two fingers into Quinn.

Quinn grunts and places her head on Rachel's shoulder. Her forehead is sweaty and Rachel briefly wonders if this position hurts Quinn. In the end, Rachel keeps going because grabs her hand and pushes it into Quinn harder.

The first thing Rachel thinks is how _weird_ everything feels. It's warm, tight, and squishy and nothing like she imagined (not that she imagined it), nothing like she wanted. But it's Quinn and it's like that fact changes everything because even if it's something that she didn't think she'd ever want, it's something she wants with Quinn.

The second thing Rachel thinks is very smug and egocentric. She thinks about Grant and how he never got here because he never could (and never would).

The third thing she thinks is how beautiful Quinn is, even in a moment that's as dirty, gritty, and grimy as this. She has one hand still covering Rachel's and the other hand is holding Rachel's waist as she rocks up and down into Rachel's hand.

"More." Is the only thing Quinn says, and it's still more than Rachel, so Rachel does what she says. She pushes Quinn's hand away and inserts a third finger, which makes Quinn throw her head back, her grunts coming out louder.

Rachel pushes herself up a little because this angle is awkward and it's hurting her hand. Quinn doesn't stop rocking though, so Rachel doesn't stop thrusting. When she's pushed herself into a somewhat sitting position, she feels Quinn grab onto her shoulder, her rocking becoming more frantic.

Rachel wants to give Quinn this because she wants to matter to Quinn, in a moment where Quinn will always have to remember, so she places her free hand on Quinn's behind and pushes her into Rachel's hand.

They continue on like that, Quinn grunting and Rachel thrusting, trying to memorize everything that's so purely Quinn, until Rachel feels Quinn clench and she knows what's coming.

"Quinn." Rachel grunts, her hand starting to ache and her stomach starting to hurt. "Quinn. Look at me."

Quinn complies. Her eyes are glazed and her cheeks are flushed, and it's the most beautiful that Rachel has ever seen her because she did that, she made Quinn look like that. Quinn's hair is sticking to her face and Rachel almost laughs at how Finn Hudson would have killed to see Quinn this way.

She's pushing her fingers into Quinn at an erratic pace and Quinn is rocking down almost as crazily when Rachel decides to say it. She doesn't think it's the right time, but she's so consumed by Quinn that she can't help herself.

"Quinn." Rachel gasps as she thrusts into Quinn with more force, causing Quinn to moan. "Quinn, I'm in love with you."

And just like that, everything comes crashing down. Quinn tenses before her body starts jerking with trembles. Her mouth hangs open as she lets out a soft wail. She starts rocking slower, and slower, until eventually she collapses onto Rachel.

Rachel doesn't say anything because she doesn't want to ruin the moment. She pretends like she doesn't notice that Quinn didn't say anything back.

After a few moments, she pulls her fingers out of Quinn and wipes them on the couch. She's getting ready to move, suddenly a lot more sober, when Quinn pushes her back down and puts her mouth back on Rachel's.

It isn't an 'I love you, too' but it's not an 'I'm running away' either, so Rachel let's it happen. Quinn is trailing her fingers up Rachel's legs and underneath Rachel's skirt when Rachel hears the door open. She ignores it because she's too caught up in the moment, and she's so close to feeling the release she's wanted for _months_. Quinn is slipping two fingers inside of her cautiously when Rachel hears,

"What the hell is going on here?!"

And just like that, as quickly as this whole thing started, it ended. Quinn shot to the other end of the couch, her hand over her mouth in fear. Rachel, for the most part, just looked bewildered. Her mind was too hazy to grasp how she just went from touching Quinn to looking at her outraged father.

Quinn tries to scramble out a response, but it's to no avail because her father is clearly furious. "It isn't what it looks like, daddy."

Russell's nostrils flare in anger. His face is red and his eyes are flashing. "Really? Because it looks like you were just sinning, Quinn. It looked like you were fucking this vile girl."

Rachel wants to protest but Quinn gets there before her. "Daddy," Quinn pleads. "_Please_."

He marches up to Quinn and without hesitation, slaps her across the face. "Please, what, Quinn? Please forgive you for bringing this kind of fowl, whoring in my house."

Rachel is up before she can even think about it. Everything is going downhill so quickly that Rachel can barely believe what was happening ten minutes ago. Still, she wouldn't stand for violence, especially not to Quinn. "Hey! Don't talk to her like that."

"Rachel." Quinn whimpers as her father turns his rage to Rachel.

"Or what? If I do recall, you're a guest in my fucking house where I pay all of the fucking bills."

Rachel feels her lip tremble in fear, but she continues. "That's your daughter, and she deserves better than that."

Russell marched over to Rachel and looked her in the eye. In that moment, Rachel realized that fairy tale monsters were real, they just existed inside of people. "You know what? This must be fucking embarrassing, I always seem to catch you in moments that compromise my daughter's integrity. First that car incident, then NYU, and now this? Why don't you go prey on someone who actually deserves your disgusting qualities."

Rachel looked over at Quinn, hoping that her friend would stick up for her, and just grew angry when she didn't. "You have no right to speak to me that way, sir."

"I have no right?" Russell practically laughed. "You have no right coming into my house uninvited by me. The next time I see you here, I'm going to pull you out by your fucking hair, you got that?"

Rachel felt her anger flare. "I'd like to see you try."

Russell snarled, a permanent scowl implanted on his face. "I should have known you'd try to turn my daughter towards your disgusting ways. Like father, like daughter."

Rachel couldn't stop herself, she saw _red_. and before she knew it, she was leaping on top of Russell. Her hands hitting anything and everything. "Don't talk about my fathers like that you disgusting, cruel, mistake of a man!"

Rachel continued to hit him as Russell fell to the floor. She felt arms wrap around her waist and pull her away, even though she was struggling to get back and punch that man in the face. "Quinn, let go!"

Quinn gripped Rachel daughter. "No! Rachel, stop! That's my dad!"

Rachel stilled her movements and pulled away from Quinn. "What about me, huh? What am I?"

"A disgusting little pervert." Russell grumbled from the ground, his nose bleeding and his front tooth missing. It filled Rachel with pride she didn't know she could feel.

Rachel turned to Quinn. "Are you just going to let him call me that?"

Quinn looked at Rachel helplessly. She didn't say anything and it broke Rachel's heart because it was the same as an answer. "Right. Well, I'm going to go."

"Wait!" Quinn called out. "How are you going to get home?"

Rachel didn't answer. She felt like Quinn didn't deserve an answer.

* * *

Rachel doesn't let herself cry until she's in a cab and halfway to the airport. She's in the same clothes that she was in when she got here, and she's almost certain that she looks like a complete wreck.

She's a mess of emotions. She's pissed, and hurt, and completely thrown because she just fucked Quinn Fabray. She just did everything she's pretty much wanted to for the past few months, and still, Quinn destroyed her.

She calls Kurt because she doesn't know who else to call. He doesn't answer, which is fair, he's in Mexico and his cell service is spotty at best. So she calls Santana instead.

Santana picks up after two rings and the action makes Rachel cry harder.

"Hey, Frodo, you do realize that three am is not an appropriate time to call anyone, not even booty calls, right?"

Rachel doesn't say anything and she can hear the shift happen over the phone. "Woah," Santana starts worried. "Do you need me to get Brittany? She's much better with this whole crying thing."

"No." Rachel gasps out, because it's true. She needs to speak to Santana, she needs to understand Quinn. She needs to get why it was so easy for the blonde to get underneath her skin and so hard for her to let Rachel underneath hers. "I-she-_Quinn."_ Is finally all she gets out, but it's enough.

"Shit." Santana answers. "Tell me everything."

So she does.

* * *

It takes fifteen minutes for Rachel to stop sobbing enough for Santana to understand what Rachel is saying and fifteen more minutes for Santana to book Rachel a flight to Los Angeles. She insists that Quinn wouldn't expect it and that Rachel needs to not be alone. It's enough to make Rachel start crying again.

Rachel just doesn't understand how Quinn could treat her this way, how Quinn could make her feel like the most important person in the world sometimes, and then destroy her at other times. It isn't hard for Rachel to conclude that maybe Quinn agrees with her father, because she didn't say anything, she didn't stop it.

Rachel starts sobbing again and she has to ignore the stares of the people at the airport.

* * *

It takes eight hours for Rachel to safely arrive in Los Angeles, clean herself off, and settle into Brittany and Santana's apartment. They both watch her as if she's about to break any second, and she probably would if she hadn't of cried the whole way here.

Her phone beeps and she ignores it, she already knows who it is, and she doesn't care.

* * *

**Quinn: **_I'm sorry, what just happened is extremely embarrassing._

**Quinn: **_Rachel, he's being incredibly nice to me. It's awkward. This is not normal..._

**Quinn: **_Rachel, please talk to me._

**Quinn: **_I'm sorry. You have to know that I'm sorry._

**Quinn: **_I don't agree with what he said._

**Quinn: **_Can we talk about what happened?_

**Quinn:** _Rachel._

**Brittany:** _Quinn is like a puppy. If you scare her early on, she won't get closer to a person for a very long time. _

**Quinn:** _I couldn't say it then, but I don't regret it._

**Quinn:** _Rachel, I want to say this in person, please call me back._

**Quinn:** _I know you're upset. Just tell me where you are so I can come talk to you, please._

**Quinn:** _I'm going home. I hope you'll be there._

**Quinn:** _Kurt keeps asking where you are. Please call him back._

**Santana:** _Rachel, get your ass to the kitchen for breakfast. I'm not afraid to let you starve._

**Quinn: **_You're with Santana? I'm coming right now._

**Quinn:** _Santana convinced me to give you space. I don't want to though._

**Quinn: **_Rachel, I wish you knew how sorry I feel._

**Kurt:** _Whatever happened between you and Quinn, please come back. She's crying and wearing sweatpants. I'm not a very comforting gay._

**Quinn:** _Rachel, whatever you think about me, just know...there has been no greater feeling in my life then the feeling of having you inside of me, telling me that you love me. I wanted every moment of it. I still do._

**Santana: **_Ew. Q just accidentally sent that text to me. How gay are you two, jeez._

**Kurt:** _OMG. I just read Quinn's texts. WTF happened? I need details!_

**Blaine: **_Kurt told me that you're hurting. When I'm upset, I like to listen to acapella ballads._

**Brittany:** _Rachel, Lord Tubbington thinks you're too skinny. Please come to the kitchen and eat._

**Quinn:** _Rachel, baby, please let me know you're at least okay. I'll stop if you do._

**Rachel:** _I'm okay._

**Quinn:** _Okay._

* * *

It's okay and it works until, well, until it doesn't.

It takes three weeks for Rachel to snap. Three weeks of pretending like everything is fine and that Quinn and her were normal.

Except it isn't and they never were.

It takes three weeks for Rachel to decide to go back to New York.

It takes three weeks for Rachel to turn all of her love into resentment and hate.

It takes three weeks for Rachel to decide that she hates Quinn Fabray.

Three weeks.

Twenty-one days.

It all kind-of felt like forever.

Maybe it was.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Hey guys! You really are the best, your reviews have been so sweet and the motivation to keep me going. So here's part four, I hope some of you are not too disappointed. I am writing an epilogue where there will be many, many faberry scenes. But this is the only way I could see them coming together. They're both strong personalities and I couldn't see them conceding before necessary. Anyway, read, review, let me know what you think. It's been a true joy! I love you guys! Unbetad, all mistakes are mine._

* * *

**Decision To Decisions Are Made & Not Bought, But I Thought, This Wouldn't Hurt A Lot. **

**(I Guess Not)**

Quinn Fabray is-and once was-many things.

Out of everything she's been and everything she's become, one thing has always remained the same.

She's always been a coward where it counts.

* * *

The thing that really gets to Quinn is that Rachel hasn't made an effort to communicate with her.

It's flimsy, Quinn's heart, and even though she knows that this lack of communication is well deserved, Quinn can't help but feel that it's because Rachel doesn't want her anymore.

It makes her _angry_ because she let Rachel take so much from her only for Rachel to leave, just like everyone else.

Quinn doesn't regret what happened, she resents it.

* * *

Quinn was sixteen when she stopped hoping that her life could be better.

She knew that birthdays were not cause for real celebrations in her household. Her father always said, "why celebrate the day you were born when you haven't done anything that's worth celebrating?"

Still, for her sixteenth birthday she had hope.

Her father had been secretive and up to something, and her mother had been ingesting far less alcohol than usual. Charlotte had even taken her out dress shopping, so Quinn couldn't really help it when her hopes rose at the notion that she could finally be something special.

She put on her nicest dress, made sure her appearance was impeccable, and Quinn even made the effort to smile. Like, really smile. Not the practiced ones that graced all of her family photographs. No, this smile was free and genuine and without obligation.

Quinn got into a car with her family, her joy practically radiating off of her in waves. Her father drove for what felt like forever, his car finally pulling into the fanciest restaurant in all of Lima. Quinn could barely contain her excitement as her family was seated. She had a speech prepared, a list of thank you's, she had love to share and it was nice to finally get the opportunity to share it.

What followed completely dismantled her.

Her father, his expression taut and stern all at once, looked across the table at Charlotte and smiled. He raised a glass at Charlotte and smiled for what felt like his only genuine moment. "This is to my daughter, the Dean's List at Stanford is quite the accomplishment. Today is quite possibly...the happiest and proudest moment of my life. To Charlotte."

Quinn's eyes flickered away from her father, realization creeping into her brain. This wasn't for her, this was never for her. She wasn't good enough to get any sort of affection. Quinn felt tears sting her eyes and she had to look away, because this moment was practically suffocating her.

As her gaze wandered her eyes skimmed past her mother. Her mother was looking at her, a soft smile on her face, and Quinn realized what it was. It was a smile full of pity because her mother knew-her fucking mother knew- and had simply decided that Quinn wasn't good enough to remember, even today.

Quinn hated her immediately. She hated everything her mother stood for and the lack of self-awareness her mother didn't possess. It was then that Quinn decided she wouldn't need anybody. She'd be damned if she became her mother, she'd be damned if she ever relied on someone else who barely deemed her worthy. She'd be damned if she became as worthless as her mother.

Quinn would be nothing, nothing like her parents.

The praise Charlotte got for a flimsy report card was waves bigger than anything Quinn received that day. The lack of acknowledgement that it was her actual birthday practically made Quinn sick. Her stomach sank and her appetite disappeared. She couldn't eat anything and she couldn't be bothered to try and appear happy.

Her own family had forgotten her birthday. They had treated it as if it was just any other day in history. Her own family had chosen that Quinn wasn't good enough to matter.

It was then, on Quinn's sixteenth birthday, that Quinn decided you can't always get what you want.

You shouldn't ever want anything, either.

* * *

Quinn spends the days that follow "the incident where Rachel fucked her and then _fucked_ her" (she's a little bitter) thinking and reconstructing the moment in her head. In every scenario Quinn pictures though, she always stays and Rachel always leaves.

Quinn knows, she _knows_ that she hurt Rachel. But for once she'd just like Rachel to get where Quinn's coming from. Rachel has no problem being bold because she's always had devoted love from _someone_, she's always had someone in her corner encouraging her.

Quinn wishes that she were the same, but she's not.

Quinn spent the better part of her childhood competing with Charlotte and the majority of her teen years not being good enough. Quinn has spent her whole life trying to matter in a way that she didn't know how, so that when it finally happened, she honestly didn't know what to do with it.

After all, it's only more terrifying when you actually have something that matters, because you (Quinn) finally have something to lose.

* * *

It takes her eight days to go back home, to whatever it's become now.

She leaves, with a promise from her father that he'll pay for her last year of school but nothing else. It's definite, the hate that he sends her direction whenever he can and it makes Quinn feel worthless.

Her mother knows about what happened (she always knows) and she doesn't say anything. It's a reminder of who her mother is, and has always been, that sends Quinn packing. She can't stick in this charade they all call life. She's never belonged in their perfect illusion and it's even more prominent now.

Quinn wants to explain it to Rachel, she wants Rachel to give her a chance. She wants to tell Rachel that she's loved her since the moment Rachel objected to Quinn. But Rachel doesn't answer her calls or even want to talk to her, so Quinn holds her love back, because even she knows that it's better to not give someone else the upper hand in a situation.

Plus, it's hard for Quinn to open up at all, let alone over the telephone.

The urge is still there though. She wants to explain to Rachel that not everyone grew up surrounded by love. She wants to tell Rachel that she thought staying behind would make her stop hating so much, but it didn't. It's just a different kind of hate.

Quinn wants to tell Rachel that instead of hating everyone else, now, she just hates herself.

* * *

Quinn is back for two days when Kurt gets back from Mexico.

He's tan, so that's something, Quinn thinks. It's hard for her to realize that everyone elses lives didn't stop when hers did.

Kurt is in loose fitting clothing, his hair is lacking the massive amount of hair care products he puts through it. He's wearing shades and his skin is radiating a glow that only vacations can provide. He puts his luggage down, takes off his sunglasses, and _looks_ at Quinn as if he can see through her. It hits her then that he knows, of course he knows.

Quinn pushes away her oatmeal, her appetite gone. Kurt walks over hesitantly before placing his hands on their kitchen table. Quinn knows that Kurt wants to say something, but she isn't in the mood to hear it. Not now, not when she looks as unprepared as she feels.

She raises her hand to prevent a statement that she doesn't need to hear, and it works because Kurt closes his mouth, a tight frown on his face. "Let me guess, you're on Team Rachel, too?"

Kurt looks at her with such a gaze of pity that it honestly makes Quinn's skin crawl. "Sweetie, I'm not on Team Anyone."

Quinn scoffs, her hands fiddling with the cuffs of her sweatshirt. "Please, Kurt. Rachel's your best friend. I get it."

"Obviously you don't."

Quinn raises her eyebrow then, her body still alert but her mind confused. "What does that mean?"

Kurt sighs, as if he sees something that Quinn hasn't been able to see this whole time. "It means that there was never any teams, Quinn."

Quinn freezes, her face scrunched up in disbelief as Kurt sits down on the stool next to her. "It means," Kurt continues as his hand laces with hers, "that I like you. It means, that everyone needs a friend. So how about we just focus on making a breakfast that's full of words I actually understand, okay?"

Quinn feels embarrassed when tears prickle against the back of her eyes. She feels embarrassed as Kurt holds her and rubs her back in soothing circles.

She feels embarrassed, but she doesn't regret it.

* * *

It takes four days for Kurt to reveal that Rachel has been staying with Santana.

It burns, in the worst way, because Santana has always been _hers_ and Quinn has never been particularly good at sharing. It burns when she thinks about Rachel and it hurts when she thinks about Santana. Santana was supposed to be her best friend and here she was hiding the one thing Santana needed to see. It wasn't fair and it made Quinn's heart sink in the worst way.

At this point, Quinn couldn't decide who was worth it and who wasn't anymore.

It takes Quinn a day to crack and call Santana.

In the end, it proves useless because Santana convinces Quinn to give Rachel time. Which is exactly what Quinn doesn't want anymore. Time is a constant of life, and if it continues to run on without reminders of people who could or should matter.

In short, life has taught Quinn that if she isn't around to participate in memories that people create, well, they essentially forget about her. And she's terrified to be forgotten.

She doesn't say anything to Santana that's full of merit. She doesn't mention how she feels betrayed by her best friend, how she's drowning (how she's always been drowning) and it's terrifying because Quinn doesn't believe that anyone actually wants to save her.

Rachel still isn't returning her messages, and it hurts. It's one thing for someone to not want you anymore, it's another for them to decide that they don't need you anymore.

* * *

Kurt is her one and only godsend.

He saves her, repeatedly, with his gossip and his movies and his shopping trips. He's so kind that it almost kills Quinn.

In fact, it practically does. When she's alone with Kurt and he's treating her as if she's always mattered to him, it hits Quinn that Kurt is a great person. He's a great person that Quinn tried to destroy in high school. He's her only friend and she tormented him on an almost daily basis.

It hurts more than she'd ever admit, because everything hurts and Quinn can never admit to anything.

* * *

It's been almost three weeks since the incident when Quinn finds Kurt alone in their living room, his eyes staring at his phone.

Quinn had been plagued by an awful feeling the night before. Well, a feeling that's worse than usual. Quinn had been up and thinking about Kurt and Rachel and the absolute bitch she was in high school, and all she could do was feel guilty. It's one thing to be a bad person, but it's another to look at yourself years later and realize that you were pretty much the most disgusting, brutal person around.

So the next morning Quinn takes a chunk of the money that her father has given her for school expenses, and she goes and buys Kurt this Marc Jacobs jacket that he's been eyeing lately. Quinn knows that he wants it and can't afford it, so Quinn gets it for him in the hopes that it'll make things better.

She knows it's not the "I'm sorry" that Kurt deserves, but it is an "I'll be better".

She's whistling for the first time since she's been back, and even Quinn has to admit that even though her heart still aches for Rachel, it's getting easier to not spend her day thinking about her. It's the first glimpse that Quinn might be able to survive this wreckage and it makes her somewhat happy.

She practically waltzes up to Kurt, her happy demeanor noticeable, and she almost throws the bag at him in excitement. Kurt looks more surprised than shocked and Quinn gestures for him to open it. Kurt frowns and sticks his hand into the bag, pulling out a box that's amazingly simple.

"Open it." Quinn almost demands, and Kurt sets his phone to the side as he demolishes the box. He quickly tears it open and then unfolds the paper to reveal the jacket. His mouth drops open in shock and Quinn smiles triumphantly.

A few minutes pass by without a word from Kurt, so Quinn decides to tackle the silence. "Kurt, I-" Quinn pauses because she actually doesn't know what to say, and Kurt seems to be okay with that.

"Quinn Fabray, you get your ass over here and hug me before I tackle you to the ground."

Quinn concedes and carries her body towards Kurt, until she's close enough for him to wrap her in a hug. When he pulls away there are tears in his eyes and a smile on his face. "Quinn Fabray, I am so glad Rachel forced me into giving you a chance. You are a good person and I love you."

Quinn swallows the lump in her throat because it's almost everything and nothing that she's needed to hear. Kurt looks away before Quinn can say anything, and it works, because Quinn has always been a fan of not saying anything.

"Quinn," Kurt starts, his words as careful as his gaze. "You made her better."

Quinn lowers her gaze, her body already tensing. "Yeah?"

Kurt nodded. "I didn't want to believe it at first...but, you made her better. You really...you're the first person to really love her without asking for anything in return."

Quinn shakes her head, her body as unwilling to admit to what Kurt said as her heart. "I don't love her."

Kurt laughs then. His eyebrows crinkling in amusement and his eyes shining. "Please, Quinn, I can _see_ it."

Quinn bites her lip in trepidation. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Kurt responds softly, his hand reaching for hers and giving it a soft squeeze. "It's a good look on you."

Quinn laughed, her head tipping back in amusement. "Yeah?"

"I dunno. I might just be biased, I did endure your Head Bitch in Charge look for four years."

"That was certainly a look I had mastered."

Kurt laughed, his happiness reaching everywhere but his eyes. "Quinn...Rachel will be back tomorrow."

Quinn froze, hesitation and trepidation creeping into her features. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

* * *

Quinn is nervous for what feels like the first time, ever. Her heart is pounding in her chest and her hands are all sweaty. She's never felt this nervous before and it both amuses her and terrifies her that Rachel Berry could bring her to this.

Kurt couldn't wait for Rachel to arrive, his internship was steadily busy and if he missed a day, well, his bosses would confuse that for lack of devotion. Plus, he had really wanted to wear his new jacket in public. Quinn waited patiently for a call from Rachel and still, nothing came. It should have bugged her but it didn't, because at least Rachel was coming home, at least Quinn would finally get to speak to her.

The door handle turns when Quinn is fidgeting with her skirt, and she rises to her feet quickly. Quinn doesn't know what to do so she just stands there when Rachel pushes open the door.

She's so beautiful that Quinn's heart literally aches, and she has to mentally berate herself at the fact that she never noticed it until now. Quinn doesn't smile, because she doesn't think that Rachel wants to see that right now. Instead she bites her lip because she can.

Rachel drags her bags into the apartment and it hits Quinn that Rachel has more bags than what she left with. She stands there until Rachel turns around and notices her. Rachel freezes, for a second, and Quinn thinks that this might be her chance. But then Rachel turns to her and smiles. She smiles in a way that's so devoid of emotion and so incredibly fake that Quinn's heart sinks.

"Hello, Quinn," Rachel starts. She pulls something out of her purse and heads towards Quinn. "I got you a t-shirt."

* * *

Rachel isn't mad at Quinn, not exactly. If she is, she does an excellent job of not showing it.

Quinn spends the three days after Rachel's return waiting for the ball to drop, but nothing happens. Rachel is oddly nice to her without being friendly, and it's terrifying because Quinn finally feels like she isn't important anymore.

She doesn't know what to do with this Rachel, and Kurt doesn't seem to either. They spend the last week of their winter vacation dancing around each other, and Quinn hates it. Rachel doesn't walk her home from work anymore, she doesn't tell Quinn about her day or about her auditions. In fact, Rachel makes sure to never be alone with Quinn, until they have to sleep.

But even then, Rachel goes to sleep way after Quinn and leaves before Quinn even wakes up. It's like living with a ghost, a ghost who cleans and ignores your presence.

Quinn almost believes that everything is okay. But almost six days after Rachel's return, Quinn accidentally grabbed Rachel's hand while reaching for the remote. The way Rachel shrinks away from Quinn in fear, as if her touch is going to destroy her, makes Quinn feel most like her father.

"Rachel." Quinn tries, because honestly, she needs her Rachel back. She can't handle this version that Rachel is giving her. It almost makes Quinn laugh, the fact that the impenetrable Quinn Fabray has been broken down into something so embarrassing as this.

Rachel pulls her whole body off the couch and runs her hand through her hair. "Don't. Please don't, Quinn."

Quinn nods her head because a little bit of something is better than not having Rachel at all.

* * *

It takes three more weeks of this new Rachel for Kurt to break.

Quinn is outside the apartment, her back aching from the walk home and the cold that's been haunting all of New York, when she hears the yelling through their front door.

"Where the hell is the Rachel that I know and love?" Quinn heard Kurt yell. "I know Quinn fucked you over, but Jesus, you're not a robot!"

Quinn heard some rustling before Rachel shouted back, "I'm trying; Kurt! But it's killing me to be around her."

Quinn feels her heart sink as Rachel's voice breaks.

"Because you love her?"

Quinn hers Rachel sniffle and it takes all her willpower to not barge in and comfort her. "Because I never stopped."

* * *

It takes one more week for Quinn to snap.

She's tired, and it's nearing Valentine's day, and the memories of Rachel are starting to become too much. Quinn doesn't like feeling, she doesn't like feeling like she's back at home, like she's unimportant. She understands that she hurt Rachel, she gets it. But what about Quinn's feelings? What about Quinn?

She had willingly given all of herself to Rachel that night, and Rachel didn't even stay for her. It broke Quinn in the worst way, she hated feeling unwanted, she hated being unneeded.

She's in the kitchen trying to decide on what to eat for dinner when Rachel scampers out of the room, a pair of sleeping shorts and a tank top covering her body in the littlest way possible. Quinn ignores the fact that her mouth goes dry, and instead looks at the fridge.

"Oh," Rachel starts, as if she's surprised that Quinn present, let alone hungry. "I made you some fried rice. It's next to the microwave."

That's all it takes for Quinn to snap. She slams the fridge shut with such force that Rachel jumps. "What the hell, Rachel?!"

Rachel looks at Quinn surprised, as if she doesn't understand where this could be coming from. "What?"

Quinn feels anger pump through her heart and she watches as Kurt slowly (and silently) shuts his bedroom door. Quinn places her hand on their counter, as a means to soothe her anger. "How can you...God, how can you pretend like nothing happened?"

Rachel's gaze turned stony. Her eyes narrowed and her mouth pulled into a frown. "Because nothing did happen." Rachel starts to pull away then, as if she's done with this conversation and starts heading back to their room. But Quinn knows better, and she's not done, so she follows Rachel into their room, the door slamming behind her.

"Don't give me that shit, Rachel. You can't pretend like it didn't happen."

Rachel shrugged calmly. "Watch me."

Quinn felt her face contort into a look of pain, her heart aching at Rachel's words. "How can you pretend like it didn't mean anything? Rachel, we made love."

Rachel cringes at Quinn's words and Quinn feels her heart clench at the sight. "Don't call it that, Quinn."

"But that's what it was!"

Rachel looks at Quinn sternly, as if she's about to scold her. Maybe she was. "No, it wasn't."

"You told me you were in love with me." Quinn whispers, more to herself then to Rachel. It comes out almost as hopeless and pathetic as Quinn feels.

Rachel looks away, her hands clenching together at her sides. "Yeah, well, I helplessly love everything. It doesn't make it worth it."

Quinn took a step forward, her body going places that her heart didn't want to. "Rachel...I'm hopelessly closed off, okay? I can't...I don't know how to love very well. I've never been good at anything worth feeling. I major in revenge and bitterness and all the things that people should never feel, but when I'm with you...I just. When I'm around you I want to try, can't you see that? I want to try and be different."

Rachel took a step back, her back pressing into the wall. "Quinn, you make me want to rip my own heart out and throw it into a fucking river so that I can stop feeling so damn crazy. You make me feel like I'm nuts, like I'm some crazy girl who does crazy things and I hate it. I hate how you make me feel."

Quinn's shoulders sagged in defeat. "So what now what does that mean?"

Rachel shrugged, her face as lost as this moment. "It means...it means that we were never good together, Quinn."

Quinn took a few more steps forward, until her body was inches away from Rachel's. "That's not true. You make me better."

Rachel laughed, her laughter forced and unlike Rachel. "Yeah? Well, you make me _worse._"

"I don't get it." Quinn responded stubbornly, her will refusing to back down.

Rachel rolled her eyes dismissively. "It means that I don't want you Quinn, and I certainly don't need you."

Quinn felt heat burn down into her heart and throughout her body. She pressed herself against Rachel and inserted herself in between Rachel's legs, her hands on Rachel's waist to stop her from squirming. "Liar."

Rachel's breathing changed, her breaths were more ragged and her eyes were almost half closed. "I don't want you, Quinn."

In a quick movement, Quinn pushed her hand into Rachel's shorts and squeezed her thigh, eliciting a groan from Rachel's mouth. "Prove it."

Rachel squirmed again but to no avail. "I don't want you." Rachel repeated.

Quinn moved her mouth towards Rachel's ear, she pushed her lips over Rachel's hair until she was certain the singer would hear her. She felt Rachel shiver in response and Quinn couldn't help but grin. A part of her knew that this wasn't what she wanted. Rachel deserved something better. But Quinn's only ever really been good at being wicked and vile, and if feels good to taint Rachel with something like this. "I bet you've always wanted this." Quinn started, her hand pushing past Rachel's underwear. "I bet it gets you off, knowing that Rachel fucking Berry had Quinn Fabray at her fingertips." Quinn didn't give Rachel time to answer. Instead she pushed three fingers into her, her over hand leaving Rachel's hip so that it could grab her left leg and wrap it around Quinn's waist.

Rachel didn't say anything as her mouth fell open and her head hit the wall with a thump. Quinn continued because now that she had so much of Rachel, she didn't know how to stop. "I bet you've thought about it, huh? What it would be like to have me inside of you, controlling your release. I bet you've imagined this since you saw me naked, haven't you?" Rachel doesn't say anything as Quinn thrusts into her. Instead she brings her hands and claws at Quinn's back, trying to pull her closer so that she can just feel everything. "Haven't you?" Quinn demanded, her fingers thrusting into Rachel with more force.

Rachel opened her eyes, a glazed look settling over them. "Y-yes."

It spurned Quinn on and filled her with more anger. The fact that Rachel could only willingly admit to wanting her when they were having sex. It made Quinn feel cheap and dirty and useless, but most of all, it made her feel. She pushed into Rachel harder, using her body so that she could thrust into Rachel with more force.

It didn't hit Quinn until she was running her tongue down Rachel's neck, that she had never done this before. She had never felt like doing this or imagined it before, and for a second, she's terrified that she's going to be bad at it. She pulls away and looks at Rachel, only for Rachel to crack open an eye and groan "harder". At Rachel's request, Quinn feels her fears disappear. Well, that fear disappear.

Quinn's still angry and she feels like it shows through in the way that she's pushing relentlessly into Rachel. Rachel doesn't seem to mind, and it only makes Quinn angrier. She bites down on Rachel's neck and Rachel yelps in surprise. Rachel looks at Quinn as she adds another finger and hisses in pain when Quinn enters her. It wasn't Quinn's intention at first to hurt Rachel, but now that she's started, she wants Rachel to feel precisely like she does. She can't help herself as she starts rocking into Rachel, Rachel's back hitting the wall every time. Rachel grunts and Quinn uses that moment to move her hand from Rachel's leg and yank on her hair, until Rachel's eyes are completely focused on Quinn. "So, what, Rachel?" Quinn whispers as her fingers thrust into Rachel at an unforgiving pace. "I'm good enough to fuck but not good enough to want?"

Quinn felt Rachel's hesitation as Rachel clenched around her fingers, and Quinn knew, she just knew, that the singer was close. Rachel pushed her hands into Quinn's hair, pulling on Quinn's head as she got closer to the edge. "That's not it. I just-I can't."

Quinn pulled her fingers out and jammed back into Rachel, her fingers aching and her legs starting to tremble from the force. "Why not?"

Rachel leaned her head back and held her breath as Quinn pushed into her again. Quinn felt Rachel tense and pull Quinn closer, her body freezing as if she were trying to prolong the moment. After a couple of seconds, Rachel's body started to jerk and her breathing returned. Quinn waited for a few moments until she was certain that Rachel was done riding out her orgasm, and then she pulled her fingers out, and lowered Rachel's leg. Rachel immediately slid down the wall, her legs as wobbly as jello.

"Because you'll break my heart."

Quinn looked away, her actions finally dawning on her. "Likewise."

* * *

Things continue on like that for the next few months. If Kurt notices (which he must, because Rachel has gotten increasingly louder) he doesn't say anything. He just looks at them disapprovingly.

Quinn doesn't really know what's going on because they're not friends, not really. They don't make an effort to communicate during the day, and they only fuck each other at night. It isn't love, it's something worse, because Quinn really misses her friend.

Yeah, the sex is great, but it's also confusing.

Still, she doesn't say anything, because Quinn has always been a coward when it counts.

* * *

Santana calls her after a few months of their "arrangement". Quinn is excited because she honestly hasn't had the time to put effort into her friendship with Santana. She loves her, but Quinn is still a little pissed at the fact that Santana took Rachel's side when she should have only had Quinn's.

Quinn answers, because she honestly misses her friend, and she's getting ready to tell her about her creepy new co-worker when Santana goes off on her. Quinn doesn't get all of it, but she does hear the parts where Santana is scolding her for using Rachel and it's the last straw in a very long line of straws. Whatever that means.

Quinn can't really help herself from the disdain that enters her voice. "Of course you'd choose her side."

Quinn can practically hear Santana frown. "What the hell does that mean?"

Quinn sighs, her patience gone. "It means that you're just like everyone else. Like my father, Finn, everyone. Nobody can ever just choose me, huh?"

Santana bristles, hurt creeping into her voice. "I am nothing like your father."

Quinn can't help herself when she snaps. "You _left_ me, Santana."

"What are you talking about?"

Quinn looks at the people in the library and lowers her voice. "You left me and picked Brittany and changed everything. You were my best friend and you just-you forgot about me so you could have some career in LA!" Quinn ignores the man in the leather jacket who tells her to "shush".

Santana sighs, and Quinn knows that Santana knows she's talking about college. They were going to go to a college together, but Brittany got into this dance school and Santana decided to follow her. It was too late for Quinn to do anything, so she set her sights on Yale since she had already been accepted. "Q, I tried, but you were shutting me out."

Quinn stood up from her seat and pushed her way into the employee bathroom. "Because I had to! I could already see that you were leaving me, Santana. And it's better to leave then to be the one who's left."

Quinn hears Santana sniffle and it's almost amusing, that she could bring this out of Santana. "Quinn, you know that's not how it is."

"Do I?"

"_Quinn._"

Quinn cleared her throat, ignoring Santana's plea. "Look, I'm gonna go. I'll talk to you later."

Quinn hangs up and then proceeds to ignore the next fourteen calls from Santana. It's clear to anyone with eyes that Quinn Fabray is unraveling, and she'd prefer it if there was less people around to watch her demise.

* * *

It's surprising, in a way, that she became this person.

She has no family to spend her holidays with because she picked a girl who doesn't even want her anymore, over them. She doesn't have Santana (because to be fair, Santana has always held allegiance to Brittany) because Santana wasn't ever hers to have. Kurt tries, but Quinn knows that he's truly Rachel's friend. Quinn is just his friend by association.

She has no husband, no friendly co-workers, and no Rachel (at least, no Rachel that Quinn wants). It's crazy because she had always been terrified of being lonely, of ending up alone. In fact, she had built her walls around that, prepared herself for it, even.

It turns out, nothing can ever really prepare you for the feeling of being utterly alone.

Sure, Quinn is surrounded by people, but it feels like she's really just going through the motions. So she starts putting in less effort, she starts checking out mentally whenever she's around, and she basically just goes through the motions.

Nobody seems to notice, and it's a relief. She doesn't need people to start being there for her now.

* * *

She wakes up a few weeks later with this huge pain in her neck. The night before Rachel had decided they use a little something extra in their escapades.

At first, when Quinn had saw it, she had laughed because it was such a ridiculous looking thing. But then Rachel had put it on and used it to push into Quinn and it...it was just a whole other feeling of ecstasy, of intimacy.

Last night had felt different. Instead of using brutal force like usual, Rachel had been almost tender. It through Quinn off a little bit because she wasn't sure how to take this new development. She couldn't let herself care, not now, not when she held the cards.

She wakes up to the sound of voices and Quinn quickly decides to leave her eyes closed, because she's more curious than she is anything else.

"No, Santana, I don't know what's happening to her. She just-she's gone sometimes." Rachel says, her voice cracking.

Quinn feels her heart clench and she pushing the feeling down so that she can focus on eavesdropping, and eavesdropping alone.

"Of course I love her, don't be an idiot! Why do you think I'm even doing this in the first place? I can't-I can't not be with her anymore, Santana, it hurts to much. She's going to break me, I know it."

Quinn feels her heart swell and Rachel's words, and she wants to open her eyes, but like always, she can't.

"Yeah, okay, I'll see you when you get here next week. Alright, bye."

Quinn hears Rachel place her phone on their desk before scuffling around, probably look for some clean clothes. She's about to drift back into dreamland when she feels a pair of lips brush her forehead.

"I'm so in love with you that it kills me, Quinn Fabray."

* * *

The week that follows should be easy, but it's awfully hard.

The biggest issue that Quinn seems to have, is herself. She can't seem to let go and give herself to Rachel because a part of her is still terrified of being left behind. After all, that's all Quinn Fabray has ever really been good at.

Her heart protests every day, it begs and beats for her to go back to Rachel, to confess her love. But her mind knows better, her mind is more devil than saint and it refuses to let Quinn be weak.

Santana visits a little while later. She's without Brittany and that alone says more than Quinn wants her too.

She feels selfish, because Brittany is her friend, too. But it's hard for Quinn to exist when Santana and Brittany are together, because all they can see is each other. Quinn pulls Santana into a hug, since it's the easiest thing she can do. Santana chokes up and Rachel pretends not to see it.

Overall, it's Kurt that kills the moment, and Quinn is thankful for it.

"If you guys are going to have some weird type of threesome, I'd prefer you do it in the privacy of your own room." He pipes up after walking into the suffocatingly brutal moment.

Santana laughs and Quinn follows suit. She smiles and Santana and whispers an "I'm sorry" because she honestly is. Quinn knows that Santana tries and that should be the okay.

It isn't though, and Santana knows, so when she pulls Quinn aside later on in the night, Quinn allows it.

Santana looks torn because she's always been awful at apologies, she's never liked being wrong, and it's the thing Quinn relates to the most.

Santana pauses, her eyes downcast. "You know I love you, Quinn."

Quinn nods because she does. "I love you too, S."

Santana looks at Quinn and smiles. "You're my best friend."

"I know."

Santana sighed, as if she wasn't ready to reveal this tidbit of information. "Quinn, I can't live without you in my life, okay? But I would have died without Brittany."

"I know." Quinn repeats, because she honestly does. She gets it now, that overwhelming feeling of love.

Santana laughs, her laughter only slightly genuine. "Of course you do, you always have. Look, Q, I will always be in your corner, okay? And I will always fly across the United States when you need me to. I will always be your best friend and I will always love you. Don't pretend like that isn't true just because you're scared. I haven't left you yet, have I?"

Quinn smiles at that, because Santana is right. It's been four years and Santana is still devoted to their friendship. Maybe it was time that Quinn do the same. "I love you, Santana."

Santana's eyes water, she can see that it's genuine and it's so hard to get Quinn in a moment where she actually lets herself be real, so she pulls Quinn into a rough hug. "I love you more, asshole."

Rachel takes that moment to wander by as she heads to the restroom, she looks over at them and winks, her voice carrying across the hallway. "God, could you guys be any more gay?"

They all laugh because really? They probably couldn't.

* * *

In the end, it's the big things that broke her, but it's the little things that built Quinn back up. It's Santana and Brittany skyping with her on the regular, it's Kurt recording shows that he knows Quinn likes but will never admit to. It's Charlotte calling her and inviting Quinn to her baby shower. Sure, she's not going to go, but the sentiment is nice.

It's Rachel, laying in bed with her in the mornings, talking about random things. Quinn knows that Rachel is still broken up over what happened, but the fact that she's trying is enough to make Quinn care again.

It's the small things, Quinn thinks, that have the most impact.

* * *

It's nearing the end of May when Quinn gets a call on her phone.

She's at the library working (like always) because she needs all the money she can get. It's pretty cold outside and she's forgotten her cane at home, again. Honestly, that thing was a travesty. It was awkward to carry and Quinn could never bring herself to remember to bring it.

She was nearing the end of her shift when her phone started to ring. She answers it on reflex because Santana has been calling her more frequently these days, and Quinn is used to it.

"Hello?" Quinn asks, her phone stuck in between her shoulder and her head as she types another returned book into the log.

"Hello, Quinn." Is what she hears and Quinn almost drops her phone in surprise. She pulls the phone from her shoulder and looks at the caller id.

"Rachel?" Quinn asks, surprised. It's the first time Rachel has called her since the incident, and Quinn can't help the surprise and worry that plagues her brain. "Is something wrong?"

"No, I was just wondering if you were off yet."

Quinn hesitates at Rachel's easy tone, it's almost as if Rachel had been speaking to her like this the whole time. Quinn glances at the clock and notices that she was supposed to be off four minutes ago. "Oh, crap. Yeah, I'm heading out now." Quinn logs off the computer and pushes the cart of books behind her desk. She waves goodbye to her co worker and grabs her bag, she almost forgets that Rachel is still on the line until she's almost out the door.

"Hello? Rachel?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

Quinn sighs. "What's up?" She berates herself because she could have said something cooler, something more refined.

Rachel hums in amusement. "Nothing, I just noticed that it's pretty cold outside and somebody forgot their cane."

Quinn frowns, she wasn't in the mood to be scolded again. She pushed through the double doors and starts walking down the set of stairs when Quinn spots her. At the bottom of the steps is Rachel Berry, clad in a plaid, wool, coat, a beret, and jeans. She's leaning against something that could only be described as an adult tricycle with an extra seating kart on the side.

Rachel grins and does a little wave. "So, I figured you could probably use a ride."

Quinn lets her legs carry her towards Rachel, her hand still on her phone and her eyes still focused on Rachel. She stops when she's right in front of her, and she notices that Rachel's crying. Quinn doesn't let go of the phone, in fact, she holds onto it tighter. It's the sweetest, stupidest, craziest thing anyone has ever done for her and Quinn feels the cracks in her heart start to warm.

"I'm in love with you." Is what Quinn opens with. She pushes her phone into her pocket and grabs Rachel by the front of her coat, pulling her into an open mouthed kiss. When Quinn finally pulls away, Rachel's hands are on her waist and her forehead is against Quinn's. Quinn placed a kiss against Rachel's temple, and then her nose, and then both of her eyes. She pecked Rachel's cheeks, and her ears, and the top of her brow. "I love you, I love you, I love you." Is all that she said in between kisses, but it was enough.

"I'm so sorry, Rachel. You have to believe me." Quinn whispers against Rachel's mouth.

"I do, Quinn." Rachel says. "I think I always will." Finally, Rachel pushed Quinn away embarrassed. "Your chariot awaits, my lady."

Quinn laughs, her smile free and real. "What is with you and carrying me places?"

Rachel shrugged as she gestured to the side kart that Quinn was supposed to sit in. "Only the best for the woman that I love."

Quinn bit her lip. "Yeah?"

Rachel rolled her eyes and pulled Quinn into another kiss. "Yeah."

Quinn hesitates, the past few months not lost on her in this moment. "What about everything that's happened? Do we just...do we forget about it?"

"No." Rachel answers adamantly. Her features stern but her eyes light. Her body not even close to dismissive. "We don't forget about it. We work through it because we love each other."

"Okay." Quinn doesn't hate the blush that creeps into her cheeks. For once, she welcomes it. "I love you, but I'm not getting into that."

Rachel frowned in a way that Quinn could only see as cute. "Well how else are you going to get to our first date?"

"Date?" Quinn echoed. Confusion seeping into her pores.

"Yeah, I have it all planned. If you weren't already in love with me, you would be by the end of the night."

Quinn rolled her eyes, she shoved at Rachel's shoulder playfully. "Kinda backwards, don't you think?"

Rachel laughed. Her smile as bright as the moment. "Well, we've never been very good at going forwards."

Quinn smiled. She let her gaze travel to the ground, her foot scuffing the sidewalk. "Rach, when did you change your mind?"

Rachel licked her lips and looked away. "I never did, actually. I've wanted to be with you since the moment I got back."

Quinn shoved her hands into her jacket pockets, insecurity slipping into her voice. "Then what was stopping you?"

Rachel put her hand on Quinn's cheek and rubbed absently. "The same thing that always was," Rachel said. "_You_. I had to wait for you to come around. I couldn't make you love me, Quinn. So I waited."

"I've always loved you." Quinn admitted, because she has and she probably always will.

"I know, but I had to wait for you to be ready to admit it."

Quinn rolled her eyes and Rachel's know-it-all tone. "Okay, Casanova, since you're so charming, I guess I'll get into this death contraption with you."

Rachel grinned. "That's all I've ever wanted."

It took a few tries, but after a few minutes, they started going. Even though the bike was moving at a steady pace and Quinn was fastened securely in, the bike was still wobbling uncontrollably.

"Hey, Rach?"

"Yeah, baby?"

Quinn turned her attention to Rachel, completely ignoring the stares of the people they were passing by. She couldn't deny that she liked hearing Rachel call her that, but that was another topic for another day. "You know what you're doing, right?"

Rachel bit her lip. "Well, technically I've never ridden a bike."

Quinn reared back. "What do you mean technically?"

"I rode a fake one in one of Finn's video games once."

Quinn's hands gripped the sides of the sidecar she was in. "Rachel! That isn't even real. Oh my god, you're going to kill me."

"Relax, baby, we only have about twenty two more blocks to go."

Quinn looked at the pedestrians as they dodged Rachel's terrible bike driving. "Sorry!"

Four down, twenty two blocks to go.

It was going to be one hell of a ride.


End file.
